LAUGH LINES : Jokes

David Letterman, on President Clinton’s increasing use of Camp David: “During the first year and a half of his Administration, he was only up there two or three times. So, he’s there now three weekends in a row. This can mean only one thing: They’ve fixed the deep fryer.”

Jay Leno, on Clinton’s plans to give Russian soldiers $25,000 vouchers to buy new houses when their bases in Latvia close: “This means that if you work in a U.S. military base that has been closed, your best bet of getting help is to defect to Russia, get the 25 grand and then move back here.”

Still, the President made real progress on his European tour. Of the 35,000 Latvians who greeted him, reports comedy writer Mark Miller, “less than 8% claimed to have slept with him.”

*

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Judge Kathleen Kennedy-Powell’s search warrant ruling in the O.J. Simpson case: “Back in Oklahoma, cops use the ‘consent warrant’ to gain entry. One cop knocks on your front door and then another runs around to your back door and yells, ‘Come in.’ ”

In an effort to clean up the Big Apple, the NYPD will now seize cars used by the patrons of prostitutes. This could result in a lot less prostitution, says comedy writer Tony Peyser, or a lot more car rentals .

When Lucie Salhany got the heave-ho as head of the Fox TV Network, no reasons for her ouster were announced, says comedy writer Bob Mills: “But, her pink slip was printed on the back of an old ‘Chevy Chase Show’ ticket.”

*

We got several updated versions of an old joke:

President Clinton was touring a desert military base when he came upon an old bottle. When he picked it up, its top flew off and a genie appeared.

“Thank you, sir, you have freed me,” the genie said. “I have been captive in that bottle for 800 years and am willing to grant you one wish, any wish.”

Recognizing opportunity with the reporters and camera crews around him, Clinton quickly replied: “I wish for world peace and prosperity.”

The genie looked puzzled, then answered: “But, sir, I have been out of practice for so long and that task is so monumental. Couldn’t you pick another wish?”

The President motioned to the genie and they walked out of hearing range. “What I really wish,” Clinton said, “is for Hillary to accept the fact that I am the President. And I want her to quit upstaging me and acting so superior to me.”

The genie turned and walked away.

“Where are you going?” Clinton asked.

“Gotta run,” the genie replied. “I have to get busy on world peace and prosperity.”

*

Reader Phil Willen of Woodland Hills says that at a Fourth of July pool party, his daughter, a swimming teacher, discovered that one guest couldn’t swim. So his daughter told the woman that she could help her overcome her fear of water.

“First,” replied the guest, “I have to overcome my fear of bathing suits.”