‘Parenting Separately Together’ : Divorce: Mixing legal basics and group therapy, court program helps divided couples put children’s interests first.

When Sheri Rodino left her husband, she walked out not just on him but on their two young children.

She made the young ones, 3-year-old Jessica and 2-year-old Sean, a promise. She said she would call every night before they went to bed.

“But there were times I slacked it,” the 22-year-old Canyon Country woman said one night this week at the Van Nuys Courthouse. “That hurt them. They’d say, ‘Don’t you love us, Mommy?’ or, ‘Aren’t we important anymore, Mommy?’

“Now, because of this program, I know better. If I promise them something, I need to start doing it.”

As a condition of her divorce, Rodino was ordered to complete a two-part, court-sponsored program aimed at teaching divorcing and separating couples to get over their own anger, hurt and betrayal--for the good of their children.

The program--dubbed Parents and Children Together--is a four-hour mix of legal basics and group therapy.

Anyone seeking any kind of court order in any dissolution, separation or paternity case in either of the San Fernando Valley’s superior courts--Van Nuys or San Fernando--is required to attend.

“It’s not too much to expect-- when you’ve parented little children, brought them into the world or are the parents even of teen-agers, adolescents--that four hours of your time be put into the process,” said Robert M. Letteau, supervising judge of the Van Nuys court.

“And if even half of the people understand any part of this, it has to be terribly positive for them and the system,” said Letteau, who pushed hard to expand the program into the Valley.

About 50% of all family law cases in Los Angeles County involve children. In Santa Monica, where the program began two years ago at the urging of Superior Court Judge David Rothman, they are a factor in about 950 of 1,900 cases annually. Court officials expect the program to expand dramatically in Valley courts, where about 5,700 family law cases were filed in fiscal 1993.

Although it is mandatory and costs $20, which goes to the county’s general fund, participants in the Santa Monica court program consistently rated it time well-spent, according to surveys on file with court officials.

With the fees it collects and a great deal of volunteer labor, the program is self-supporting. It also received a $3,500 start-up grant from the Valley Community Legal Foundation.

Letteau was so impressed with what he heard about the Santa Monica program that he spearheaded the drive to bring the program to the Valley.

“My initial reaction was that it was just putting the lawyers through one more hurdle, and for the participants, it was akin to traffic court, just creating more misery and pain. But it really turns out to be something wonderful,” Letteau said.

The first of the two sessions is largely devoted to the court process, how it works and what divorcing parents can expect. “The whole point is that the judge is there not for the divorcees but to decide the best interests of the children,” said participant Lesa Soman, 35, of Saugus.

The second session is about guidelines for “parenting separately together,” said Santa Monica psychotherapist Judy Goldman, one of the counselors at the Van Nuys Courthouse on Tuesday evening. “We may want the other parent to disappear, but that is not necessarily how a child may feel,” she reminded all 56 participants.

The trick, Goldman said, is for the grown-ups to go from being intimate partners to an arrangement that’s far more businesslike. Such as:

Don’t ask an ex-spouse personal questions.

Don’t fixate on blame.

Do act like a guest in the ex-spouse’s house.

Be on time for visits.

Make it a point, she said, to have separate “meaningful relationships” with the kids. Most importantly, talk to each other directly, not through the children.

“What miracle makes this work?” a man shouted from the back of the room.

“This all takes two people,” he said. “If people were doing these things you’re talking about, why would they be getting a divorce in the first place?”

“There’s no miracle and there’s no magic,” Goldman responded. “It takes hard, hard work.”

“He’s right and she’s right,” Rodino said. “Basically, it does have to be two parties. But the kids are the most important thing--if you want them to be.”