LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Among the Top 10 things overheard at the Michael Jackson-Lisa Marie Presley wedding, according to David Letterman:

* “Family to the left, plastic surgeons to the right.”

* “She could’ve used a little more of his eyeliner.”

* “There’s that strange whirring sound again--as if some deceased rock star were spinning in his grave.”

* “I got you some ‘his’ and ‘hers’ towels. Split ‘em up however you like.”

* “Ahhh! The ghost of Elvis is eating all the cake--oh, it’s just Liz Taylor.”

* “I just heard on the weather channel--hell froze over.”

Jay Leno, on coincidences: “It’s almost eerie. On this day in 1881, Sioux Indian leader Sitting Bull surrendered to federal troops. Do you know what he was riding when he turned himself in? A white bronco.”

Leno, on the marriage of actress Anna Nicole Smith, 26, and Howard Marshall III, 89: “The only thing they have in common is that they both grew up listening to the Rolling Stones.”

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An elderly spinster complained to the police that a man, in an apartment across the street from her, was walking around nude. An officer came to check it out and told the woman that from the distance and window angle, he couldn’t see anything but the vaguest outline of the upper half of a man’s body.

“Well,” she replied indignantly, “you can if you stand up on the dresser and use these binoculars.”

-- Tom Freeman, Palm Springs

Seen on a working girl’s desk: “Of course I don’t look as busy as the men. I did it right the first time.”

-- Vivian Morris, Oceanside

Sign at a watering hole: “If the barmaid looks beautiful to you, don’t drive.”

-- Don Spaan, Torrance

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In the news: A new House bill would establish a federal hot line to let consumers know which products are really made in the USA. Next up, comedy writer Tony Peyser says, is an 800 number that reveals which members of Congress have been bought off by foreign lobbyists and which ones have sold out to domestic ones.

Chicago will host the 1996 Democratic National Convention and the convention center is right next to the stockyards. The biggest danger, says Argus Hamilton, is that cows may pass out from the smell of those convention speeches.

Comedy writer Bob Mills reports that U.N. Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali has confided to Clinton press secretary Dee Dee Myers that he is still undecided whether to retire in Baden-Baden, Bora Bora or Walla Walla.

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Tom Gorman and his wife were watching a TV retrospective this week on man’s first moon landing:

My 19-year-old son, Paul, was baffled: “Why are you watching a repeat? Wasn’t this on TV 25 years ago?”