PRO FOOTBALL / BILL PLASCHKE : Uniforms, Rules Are New, but Talk Remains the Same

You can change the uniforms of 132 players through the wonders of free agency.

You can temporarily change the uniforms of 28 teams through an anniversary promotion that, at times, will make some of these guys look like Red Grange with earrings.

You can even change the rules so that instead of a commissioner calling for players to be drug-tested, it is the other way around.

But take comfort. Two weeks into the exhibition season, on the fields at NFL training camps, it’s the same old, same old:

--Somebody is already talking trash.

After catching a touchdown pass during drills, tight end Shannon Sharpe of the Denver Broncos told his teammates, “I’m like a slot machine, three cherries every time--ching, ching, ching. When I’m in the slot, I’ll beat you 10 out of 10 times.”

When linebacker Elijah Alexander told Sharpe to pipe down, Sharpe responded: “You, 11 out of 10 times.”

Do you believe us now when we say the Raiders acquired Albert Lewis for the express purpose of shutting this guy up?

--Some oddball is already given a chance to earn a roster spot.

Not that Darren Bennett is Crocodile Dundee, but when he received a snap for his first practice punt with the San Diego Chargers, he began sprinting.

As an Australian football star, he was never given the luxury of kicking while standing still.

“I said, ‘Sorry, mates, I’m still getting used to this,’ ” said Bennett, whose booming kicks could make him the most unlikely player on an opening-weekend roster.

Bennett, 29, signed by the Chargers after a tryout, is a veteran of seven seasons in the Australian Rules Football League. You might have seen him on cable TV, playing a game that looks like rugby with referees who wave flags.

“At first, I thought that because Americans wear all these pads, they are a little soft,” Bennett said. “After hearing a few collisions between 300-pounders, now I see why.”

Bennett averaged 44.8 yards in the Chargers’ exhibition opener against the Atlanta Falcons, and could displace expected starter Kent Sullivan.

“It just takes a while to get used to wearing this helmet,” Bennett said.

--Somebody is learning a new position.

Curtis Conway, the Chicago Bear who left USC too early, hasn’t quite figured out playing wide receiver or punt returner, but what the heck.

Meet the Bears’ two-point conversion quarterback.

--Some rookie is making big noise.

How about that Dallas Cowboy receiver Willie Jackson, a fourth-round draft pick from Florida?

Jackson, who caught passes for 140 yards against Florida State and for 131 yards against West Virginia in the Sugar Bowl, has been overcoming his lack of speed with several acrobatic catches.

Then he made his presence felt with a 26-yard touchdown catch in the second quarter of Dallas’ 17-9 opening exhibition victory over Minnesota. Jackson had five catches for 60 yards against the Vikings, and two for 16 yards against the Raiders Sunday.

“I honestly think Willie is going to be a player, and I’ve thought that since day one,” Cowboy quarterback Troy Aikman said. “Of all the rookie receivers we’ve had since I’ve been here, he’s as far along as any, including Alvin Harper.”

--Some journeyman is valiantly hanging on, while some fat guy is going home.

Garth Jax, a nine-year veteran linebacker fighting for a backup spot on Buddy Ryan’s Arizona Cardinal defense, left his feet on several tackles during a recent morning workout.

Little did he know he was striking gold.

“I just gave Garth a $20,000 raise,” Ryan announced on the field after practice. “If I had known he played this hard, I would have given him the $20,000 before practice.”

Somebody then asked Ryan about Gerome Gardner, a 6-foot rookie tackle who showed up weighing more than 300 pounds.

“That fat guy?” he said. “I just cut him.”

--Bad teams are getting worse.

Five potential starters for the Washington Redskins are already injured.

Defensive lineman Leonard Marshall is still recovering from a broken forearm suffered last year. John Gesek, free agent center, has visited the hospital because of a back problem. Frank Wycheck, supposedly fighting for the starting fullback job, suffered a concussion. Defensive lineman Tim Johnson is sidelined because of a pulled hamstring. So is Reggie Brooks.

And Heath Shuler finally signed a contract last week.

Poor Norv Turner. Four and 12 sound about right to you?

*

Only now they call him “Big Pay:” Johnnie Morton is already our leading candidate for rookie of the year. Before catching his first pass as a Detroit Lion (for eight yards and a touchdown against the New York Jets on Friday night), the former USC wide receiver had already written a check to the Pediatric AIDS Foundation. And guess who’s paying back his USC scholarship, which figured to be in excess of $100,000. . . .

The Chargers, who could boast football’s best turnover ratio last season, recently went through a practice without a dropped pass for the first time in Coach Bobby Ross’ three years there. . . .

Art Modell has owned the Cleveland Browns since 1961, yet he has never been asked to introduce any of the Browns’ 13 Hall of Fame inductees. Of the two Brown Hall of Famers whose careers began after Modell bought the team, receiver Paul Warfield was introduced by his high school coach, and running back Leroy Kelly, inducted Saturday, chose a sportswriter to introduce him. . . .

Speaking of the Browns’ tradition, guess which current player leads the club in games played as a Brown? Linebacker Frank Stams, of course, with all of 26 games in a Cleveland uniform. . . .

Rookie tackle Scott Vaughn retired from the Broncos after three days of training camp. “He just said it wasn’t what he thought it was going to be,” Coach Wade Phillips said. “I don’t know what he thought it was going to be. The big NFL party, I guess.”

*

Sign of the times: The Green Bay Packers have been forced to cancel their annual summer photo day for safety reasons. When 15,000 fans showed up at last year’s event--isn’t that close to the entire population of the city?--several small children were nearly crushed, and quarterback Brett Favre was forced to flee for his life. . . .

The phone number the league has listed for the press room at the Seattle Seahawks’ training facility is actually the number of a Seattle collection agency. “No, this isn’t the Seahawks,” sighed a representative who answered a recent call. “But we do know some of the players.”

*

Some things never change--unfortunately: As part of the NFL’s 75th anniversary celebration this year, each team will play at least one game wearing a uniform from their past. The Indianapolis Colts’ contest with the Browns on Sept. 25 was originally designated as one such “Throwback” game, but then embarrassed officials had to throw it back. Neither team could find a uniform from its past that looks any different from what they are wearing today. . . .

So far, No. 1 draft choice Dan (Big Daddy) Wilkinson has been as impressive in airports as on the field.

Wilkinson, of the Cincinnati Bengals, recently finished filming a soft drink commercial in which he was painted orange while playing the part of a monster. Hustling to catch a flight, he couldn’t stay at the studio long enough for makeup specialists to remove his orange paint. After seeing the frightened reaction of people in a New York airport upon encountering a 320-pound bright orange guy, he decided he might have been a bit hasty.

“But once I got on the plane, they let me sit where I wanted,” he said.

*

Pointing fingers: Good to see Phil Simms iron out his differences with Commissioner Paul Tagliabue, whom Simms said should be drug-tested after Tagliabue claimed Simms was not released by the New York Giants because of salary-cap differences.

Disgruntled players realize that their enemy in this salary-cap mess is not the league, but themselves, for not paying more attention when their union was cutting this horrible deal.

And if you still don’t believe it was horrible, listen to Bronco quarterback John Elway, a Stanford graduate who knows more about economics than most of the owners: “Funny, but basketball takes their salary cap to court, baseball refuses a cap, yet the football union accepted it! One good thing that came out of this is that Gene Upshaw still has his job.”

*

In their first intrasquad game, the Bears’ offense scored two touchdowns. Last year, they had to play an intrasquad game and three exhibitions before scoring their second touchdown. The influence of tough Erik Kramer has only begun.

*

Somebody is finally cutting open the hidden game of football as people have been doing for years with baseball. The outfit is Stats Inc., and its new book, “Pro Football Revealed . . . The 100-Yard War,” offers an enlightening look into the 1993 NFL season.

Some of Stats Inc.’s nuggets involving local teams last year:

--In the no-surprise department, no team averaged fewer yards on first-down rushing plays, 3.1, than the Raiders. The longest regular-season rush from scrimmage was a league-worst 19 yards, by Jeff Hostetler.

--Those who wondered why the Raiders used their first two draft choices on defensive players should read this: The Raiders forced fewer fumbles than any other team, nine, and gave up more fourth quarter points, 125.

--Statistics show that while the Rams improved at quarterback and in the defensive line during the off-season, where they truly must improve is in the defensive backfield. Ram opponents completed 38.2% of their passes of 20 or more yards, nearly 10% higher than the league average of 28.5%. The Ram defense also gave up 7.7 passing yards per attempt, worst in the league.