RELIGION / JOHN DART : Jewish Letter Reaches Accord on Sex

Unmarried Jewish men and women with loving, committed relationships “embody a measure of morality” in their sexual lives if they follow ethical norms expected of married couples, says a nearly completed pastoral letter for the Conservative branch of Judaism--a document that reaches a consensus on sex that has eluded many Christian denominations.

Sex that is not coerced, fidelity to one’s partner, attention to birth control and healthy practices are among the considerations incumbent upon heterosexual couples who, for a variety of reasons, have decided they won’t or can’t live up to the Jewish ideal of married love, according to the pastoral letter.

“Most Jews assume that since Judaism wants people to restrict sex to marriage that you might as well forget about Jewish tradition saying anything else about sexual relations,” said Rabbi Elliot Dorff, the author, who has nursed the document through seven drafts in an effort to reach consensus among rabbis in the 1.5-million-member Conservative wing of Judaism.

“These people assume that it’s all or nothing,” said Dorff, recently named the equivalent of dean of the faculty at the University of Judaism in the Sepulveda Pass in Los Angeles.

“My point is that nothing in Judaism is all or nothing.”

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It will be a rare document for a mainstream U. S. religious body, saying something officially--other than condemnation--about the widespread phenomenon of unmarried couples who live together but have not necessarily dropped their religious ties.

The Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.), Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, United Methodist Church and Episcopal Church have been trying in recent years to fashion broad “human sexuality” statements at the national level, but without much success.

The biggest impasses have arisen over whether church bodies can give qualified blessing to committed relationships of gay and lesbian members or admit them to the ranks of clergy.

But even where solely heterosexual issues are concerned, any expression in early drafts of limited sympathy for divorced, widowed or other single adults in mature sexual relationships quickly runs into opponents who cite church tradition that requires “fidelity within the covenant of marriage,” to cite a phrase used at Presbyterian national meetings.

Last month, the bishops of the Episcopal Church adopted a “study document,” downgraded from a more authoritative “pastoral letter,” on human sexuality issues that attempted to address the concerns of single adults while reiterating the church position that human sexuality reaches its “fullest potential” in the union between husband and wife.

Again, the most difficult disputes were over homosexual relations.

The Conservative rabbis were able to avoid that impasse by referring unresolved issues--such as blessing same-sex unions and ordaining gays and lesbians--to the Jewish Law Committee of the Rabbinical Assembly, the international organization of Conservative rabbis.

The document deals with gay and lesbian issues only in cases where Conservative Judaism has reached a consensus--for instance, that they should be welcome in synagogues and that homosexuality should be better understood.

Dorff said he has sent the latest version of “A Jewish Pastoral Letter on Intimate Relations” to officers of the Rabbinical Assembly and to the sponsoring Commission on Human Sexuality for any last-minute, minor changes. The final version will probably go to the printer in late October, he said.

In an accompanying letter, Dorff told his colleagues that he changed what was probably the most controversial sentence in the sixth draft “in which I said that non-marital sex can partake in varying degrees of holiness,” depending on the degree that it incorporates high standards articulated elsewhere in the document. Dorff changed “holiness” to “morality.”

The letter does not break new ground in Jewish law, nor does it set policy, cautioned Rabbi Joel Rembaum of Los Angeles’ Temple Beth Am in an interview.

But Rembaum said it takes what many rabbis already tell individuals in private counseling sessions and places that stance in a public document that might be used for broader educational purposes.

“The reality is that vast numbers of (unmarried) people are living together,” said Rembaum, who is current president of the Southern California Board of Rabbis.

“We feel there is an obligation to say that any kind of relationship between men and women be conducted along the highest standards of ethical conduct,” he said.

Since many couples live together before getting married, they may have already established how they relate to one another and to their Jewish heritage, he said.

“You can’t expect them to say, ‘Now we change because we’re married,’ ” Rembaum said.

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The pastoral letter repeatedly asserts that couples should restrain from sexual intercourse until marriage for the benefits of lasting companionship, for the obligation and blessings of raising children, and for the education of children.

Sexual relations that are incestuous, adulterous, casual or promiscuous were condemned by the rabbis, but they acknowledged there are others with an ongoing, loving relationship who engage in non-marital sex for a variety of reasons.

Among those reasons, the document said, may be “because a suitable mate has not yet been, or may never be, found; . . . marital commitment (is) premature, often for emotional, educational, economic or professional reasons; or because experience with divorce or the death of a partner has necessitated a gradual healing process, including experience of several transitional relationships prior to remarriage.”

The pastoral letter also advised that in light of the AIDS crisis, any new sexual contact should call for full disclosure of the partner’s sexual history, HIV testing, and careful and consistent use of condoms until the risk of infection has been ruled out.

If the pastoral letter is somewhat liberal on non-marital sex, the document nevertheless took some relatively conservative stances stemming from worries about the numerical decline of Jews through intermarriage and smaller families.

Critical of the trend by couples to postpone marriage and childbearing until they are in their 30s, the rabbis’ document said, “Jews should consider it reasonable to marry and to begin to have children in their 20s.”

The document also urges that Jewish teen-agers date fellow Jews exclusively. “As much as marriage may seem eons away, dating is the usual way in which young people meet and ultimately marry,” the letter said.