Not Again! : Those who marry over and over face the skepticism of society. But it isn’t that they take the union lightly. In fact, each time they are hoping for a lifetime of love.
Bonnie Carlson had invited a new gentleman friend over for a home-cooked dinner. Carlson, a 44-year-old resident of the Santa Clarita Valley, fixed pasta, simmered her special homemade tomato sauce, tossed a Caesar salad and put candles on the table.
The romantic spell was broken just after dinner, however, when her date, Greg Frank, 39, broached a delicate subject. “He asked whether I’d been married before,” she says.
Yes, she had been married and divorced, Carlson told him. “Four times.”
Since he had been divorced once, he understood how marriages can disintegrate. So they talked. And dated. And over Labor Day weekend--two years after that candlelight dinner--they wed in Las Vegas.
Carlson’s after-dinner scenario reflects two facts of life for the multiply divorced, as this group is now called by researchers:
* Fearing social stigma, they carefully choose whom to tell about their past.
* Despite failures and caustic remarks, most remain committed to finding a lifelong spouse.
Only about 7% of divorced people in the United States have been through three or more marital splits, according to federal government estimates from 1988, the latest year for which statistics are available.
Experts have begun to monitor this group more closely and some say the figure could reach 10% this year. The reasons for the rise, they say, include no-fault divorce, which since becoming law more than two decades ago has made dissolution easier, and clinical papers suggesting a greater likelihood for divorce among those who have been through it before.
Multiple divorce is “the new scarlet letter,” contends Patricia Emerson, a USC sociology graduate student who presented her study recently at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Assn.
Today, she says, those who have divorced several times face the same social stigma endured by those who divorced once a few generations ago. While she predicts that this stigma will fade eventually, she says it’s still very much a part of life now.
Studies about multiple divorce have been scarce partly because the population has been small. Craig A. Everett, co-author with his wife, Sandra Volgy Everett, of “Healthy Divorce” (Jossey-Bass, 1994), recalls that his graduate students in the mid-’80s at Florida State University wanted to conduct such a study but could not gather enough subjects. Another barrier has been a reluctance to talk by those who have divorced many times.
So when Emerson embarked on her study, she promised confidentiality to her 12 subjects--all Los Angeles residents, 35 to 73, divorced three or more times, first married at age 17 to 25. Overall, the group was highly educated, with at least a high school diploma. More than half have college degrees or postgraduate degrees.
Once the six men and six women were guaranteed anonymity, the floodgates opened. In two-hour interviews, they detailed their turmoil and experiences. Many said they had received support and encouragement from family and friends during each divorce. But once the tally had risen to three or more, the reaction from society in general was often not so tolerant.
While celebrities seem to be forgiven for their inability to hold a marriage together, the everyday folks Emerson polled said they often heard rude comments by co-workers and bosses.
One man, recently divorced, told Emerson: “I do not want to hear that old phrase ‘three-time loser’ one more time, from anybody! I hear it every once in a while . . . supposedly in jest, but it bothers me because somebody is saying that you are stupid, you made a mistake, and you made three of them.”
To cope, many said they divide the world into those they can trust and those to whom they do not confide details about their past.
A common stereotype--that multiply divorced people take marriage lightly--was disputed. “They see a marriage as (until) death do us part, and that’s their goal,” whether the marriage is the first or the fifth, Emerson says. Many told her that they were opposed to living together before marriage.
Splitting up does not get easier with practice, the subjects also said, even though friends would make such comments as, “Well, this divorce ought to be easy. You’ve done this before.”
*
Some, but not all, of Emerson’s findings are borne out in clinical practice, says Everett, now a Tucson family therapist who often counsels multiply divorced people. He and others say the stigma is already fading, partly because it is becoming more common.
“People are not nearly so embarrassed (as in years past) to come into my office and say ‘I’ve been divorced three times,’ ” says Dr. Robert M. Counts, a psychiatrist at New York University Medical Center and medical director of the Center for Marital and Family Therapy in Manhattan.
“Second and third divorces began to dramatically show up in the overall divorce rate in 1986,” Counts wrote in a recent article in the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage. The trend will continue for at least another 20 years and probably longer, says Counts, who has practiced psychiatry for 45 years.
When statistics are analyzed for 1994, Counts says, “it is likely that 10% of divorces will be No. 3 or beyond.”
Those who have experienced several divorces say they find truth in both Emerson’s research and the therapists’ observations.
Most are uneasy, at least initially, about divulging their marital history to a new dating partner. Carlson tried to keep a sense of humor. She still laughs when she remembers reactions from new dates after hearing about her four prior marriages. “They either think, ‘You’re really good . . . ‘ or ‘You’re really baaad .’ ”
Elaine Young, a well-known Beverly Hills real estate broker, used to dread being asked about her divorces. “I’d hold up fingers, like a little kid (telling age).” Actually, Young, 59, would hold up one whole hand and another finger. But the stigma, she believes, has diminished.
Bob Fletcher, 46, a Burbank insurance broker who is in the midst of a divorce from his third wife, simply volunteers the information. “Most women say, ‘Gee, you’re such a nice guy. How did this happen?’ ” he says.
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Finding another partner is a typical goal. “In my experience, probably 90% are still hopeful about pursuing a new relationship,” Everett says. It lends weight to the old saying, attributed to Samuel Johnson, that remarriage is “the triumph of hope over experience.”
But not everyone is hopeful. Fletcher is wary of taking the plunge again. “Today, I’d have to say ‘No.’ ” But, he’s quick to add, “I still believe in marriage.”
Young’s outlook is more the norm: “I’m looking for No. 7,” she says brightly.
Is this perseverance mentally healthy?
Counts isn’t so sure it’s healthy for everyone. In his research, he has identified those he calls “divorce prone,” who are surprisingly similar to never-married people he terms “marriage phobic.” Both groups have difficulties with intimate relationships, he says, “but they manage the problem differently.” The divorce-prone are more likely to bail out when they face a major challenge in the relationship; the marriage phobic simply avoid the whole situation.
Whether marriage-minded or not, experiencing a second or third divorce often leads to an intense personal assessment, family therapist Everett says. Carlson, for instance, examined the reasons for her four divorces before marrying for the fifth time.
“I was brought up in a home where I was taught it is not right to live with someone,” she says. The men she divorced, however, turned out “not to be the people I thought they were.” Her many attempts at marriage are also tied, she believes, to “an overwhelming need for family life and a need to fit in,” which she attributes to her discovery, at age 31, that she had been adopted.
Anyone contemplating marriage--for the second time or the 10th--would be wise to examine, as Carlson did, their motives and what caused past divorces, experts concur.
Counts, while acknowledging that some divorces are more the result of bad luck than bad judgment, stresses: “The problems will be repeated unless there is treatment to understand why they’ve made bad choices.”
Multiple Divorces
Total number of divorces granted, U.S., 1988*: $1,167,000
1st divorces: 71% (828,570)
2nd divorces: 22% (256,740)
3rd or more divorces: 7% (81,690)
* 1988 is the latest year for which statistics are available. Percentages are estimates only.
Source: National Center for Health Statistics.