Among David Letterman's Top 10 signs that you're in a bad airport:

* The luggage carousel is first come, first served.

* Technician asks if he can borrow your cup of coffee to "de-ice" a 747.

* Runway littered with stripped Chevys.

* Gift shop selling items from just-checked luggage.

* Nacho cheese at the snack bar doubles as jet fuel.

* The "arrivals and departures" monitor is pay-per-view.

* Guard at metal detector asks you to turn your head and cough.


In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on L.A. Marathon organizers admitting the laundering of $73,000 in campaign contributions to local and state elected officials: "To them, 10K isn't a race; it's the cost of a city council member."

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the 98 claims of sexual harassment fielded by L.A.'s Department of Water and Power since 1992: "The most frequent come-on used by accused offenders was: 'Want to come over to my place and see my power generator?' "

Reader Dave Margolis, on the death last week of Robert Bloch, best known in the film world as the author of the novel "Psycho": "In lieu of funeral services, friends and family plan to hold a shower."


Washington watch: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Sen. Ted Kennedy's tough reelection campaign: "He's challenged his opponent to tour the state for a series of debates, and said, 'I'll drive.' "

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the President's physical exam: "The doctor ordered him to get more rest. Clinton has trouble sleeping at the White House, so they're flying in Ronald Reagan to show him how."

Hamilton, on Jimmy Carter's promise of amnesty to Haitian generals: "The White House doesn't care what Carter promised. If Clinton had wanted to grant pardons, he would have sent Gerald Ford."

Letterman, on current events: "What do you think is scarier now, Bob Dole talking about the situation in Haiti, or Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley talking about starting a family?"


Jury selection: O.J.'s defense team originally hired Monte Hall as a jury consultant, reports comedy writer Bob Mills, but it didn't work out: "His first pick was dressed up as a chicken."

Hamilton says it's good that comedians will not be allowed on the Simpson jury: "We'd deliberate five minutes, then find the defendant 'not funny.' "


Reader Vern Fagin of Studio City says his son Matt, 8, suffers from being the progeny of two attorneys. Matt's class assignment was to say what people need besides shelter to survive.

So he explained to his class: "You need food, water, clothing, a job, good health . . . and a good lawyer."

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