LAUGH LINES : JOKES

In the news: Jay Leno, on Republican opposition to the new federal education bill: “Why would you vote against an education bill? I guess they’re worried that if people become too educated, nobody’s going to vote for them.”

David Letterman, on President Clinton: “He’s so damn busy, this guy, he’s having trouble finding quiet time. Well, hell, just go to a Ted Kennedy rally.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the investigation of General Services Administration Director Robert Johnson for allegedly misusing personnel: “Johnson’s defense is that he’s helped create new domestic programs. Yeah, such as ‘wash my car, cut my lawn, do my laundry.’ ”

Ray, on the invention of a cartilage that can be used to repair damaged joints: “Unfortunately, doctors haven’t been able to answer the most important question surrounding the invention: ‘What can we charge for this?’ ”

The Boy Scouts of America is unhappy with a British calendar that shows Michael Jackson wearing a Scoutmaster’s uniform, surrounded by lots of young, uniformed boys. Comedy writer Tony Peyser says the picture should carry one of the Scouts’ mottoes: Be prepared .

Comic Keith Nelson, on the Johns Hopkins study that found caffeine has the same qualities as addictive drugs: “Yeah, many times I’ve felt the need to steal a TV to support my coffee habit.”

Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on the new sex survey: “Private sources eventually funded it after the government refused. Backers included the Ford Foundation, which apparently needed the data to redesign its back seats.”

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A very proper woman inherited a parrot, Penrod, from her father’s estate. The problem was that Penrod used vulgar language. After several embarrassing experiences when she hosted her bridge club, the woman told her minister about the problem. The minister said his female parrot “is a saint. She sits on her perch and prays all day long. Bring your parrot over. She’ll be a good influence on him.”

The woman took Penrod to the minister’s house, and when the cages were placed together, Penrod hopped through the open doors and said, “Hi baby! How about a little lovin’?”

“Hallelujah!” sang the female parrot. “You’re just what I’ve been praying for.”

--Argus Hamilton

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Reader Margaret Lubliner of Canoga Park decided to teach her son Max, 3, about keeping away from strangers, so she checked out a library book. Max had all correct answers (“Say NO and run away.”) until the question, “What if a stranger wanted to give you money or presents?” Max answered “Please.” Mom decided to start at the beginning. Max was again perfect until, “What would you say if a stranger asked if he could take your picture?”

Max excitedly struck a pose and said, “Cheese!”

Needless to say, I checked the book out for another week.