LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Buddy Baron, on Francisco Duran, the upholsterer who shot at the White House on Saturday: “We knew he wasn’t a postal worker, since he got the address right.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the investigation of Duran: “The FBI thinks that Duran acted alone. But Oliver Stone thinks there was a second upholsterer in the Rose Garden.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the shooting: “The NRA is now claiming that Duran was just trying to honor President Clinton’s Mideast peace efforts with a 21-clip salute.”

Comedy writer Larry Swerdlow, on the trial of alleged Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss: “The judge was not amused when she tried charging him $100 for her court date.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Fleiss: “Police say they won’t prosecute any of the johns. But they will go after the Charlies, Roberts, Billys and Michaels.”

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Also in the news: Comedy writer Michael Connor, on Mike Huffington’s explanation of rolling through a stop sign: “He says he had the steering wheel, but Arianna’s foot was on the gas.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Prince Charles’ L.A. visit: “Police are giving him the standard treatment afforded all dignitaries--a motorcade of 50 squad cars is escorting his white Ford Bronco.”

Mills, on the royal visit: “He will go to Crenshaw High today for the always colorful and historic ‘Changing of the Hall Monitors.’ ”

Ray, on Dan Quayle’s prediction that 50 of the 100 U.S. Senate seats will be Republican next year: “He then added, ‘That would be almost half.’ ”

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Numerous versions from several sources:

John and Bette had been married for 10 years when she asked what he would do if she died first:

Would you get married again?

“Well, I am only 36, so I might,” he replied.

Would you live here in our home with her?

“I suppose so,” he answered.

What about our bed, would you use that too?

“Sure,” he replied.

What about my new golf clubs, would you let her use those, too?

“Oh no,” John said. “She’s left-handed.”

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Canyon Country reader Jodi Mulligan’s friend Heidi works with preschoolers. One day Heidi told her class that her mother had died when Heidi was 15. During a later field trip, the group stopped to eat their sack lunches. One young girl, seated across a picnic table from Heidi, gave her an angry stare.

“What’s up?” Heidi asked.

“I thought you said your mother was dead,” the little girl replied.

Heidi, taken aback, told the girl that yes, she was.

“Then,” the little girl demanded to know, “who made your lunch?”