LAUGH LINES : Jokes

An Election Day Story from Argus Hamilton:

A lifelong Democrat, 90, on his deathbed and knowing he wouldn’t make it to Election Day, summoned his family Sunday and announced he was turning Republican.

“How could you forsake the party of Robert E. Lee and Will Rogers?” cried his wife. The man said he just figured it was the right thing to do. His children pleaded with him, citing numerous reasons. Again, the man said it was the right thing to do.

Finally, his granddaughter asked why he was turning Republican just before he died.

“With Election Day Tuesday,” the man said with a smile, “I figure it’s better one of them than one of us.”

Hamilton, on a poll that claims indicted Illinois congressman Dan Rostenkowski is far behind: “He’s in big trouble. Even some of the dead voters are leaning Republican.”

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In the news: Comedy writer Michael Connor, on troubles at the CIA: “On top of everything else, agents are quitting. They can make more money taking photos for the Enquirer or doing surveillance for Ross Perot.”

Connor on Clinton at midterm: “He is an optimistic realist and sees the glass as half full. He just isn’t sure half full of what.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the palimony suit against Bob Dylan: “The judge in the case has issued a gag order. Anything to keep Dylan from singing.”

Ray, on space-shuttle problems: “NASA is unhappy with glitches in a $10-billion in-flight computer. For $15 more, they could’ve gotten a Sega.”

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Also in the news: A Montana prison official has resigned after taking three female inmates, including a convicted killer, out to dinner at Red Lobster. Comedy writer Tony Peyser says the official admits that he made a big mistake: “If he had to do it over again, he said he would have ordered the shrimp scampi instead of the seafood salad.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills says the dinner date came to light, “when one of the women was observed hobbling to the salad bar in leg irons.”

Jay Leno, on Prince Charlie telling L.A. students that he hopes to serve as a role model for them: “He is a pretty good role model. One young man said today that he doesn’t have a job, is living with his parents and has started cheating on his wife.”

Leno, on the Heidi Fleiss trial: “This is scary. . . . I guess one juror developed a cold sore on his lip and Heidi was charged with jury tampering.”

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A 50ish panhandler recently approached Bill Salazar of Long Beach, speaking a blend of English and broken Spanish. Salazar said he didn’t speak Spanish. The man responded, “Well, you should. I speak four languages.” Salazar handed him some change, then said maybe he would learn a language.

As the panhandler walked away, he replied: “I doubt it. It’s probably too late.”