LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Election ‘94: Instant analysis from the nattering nabobs of humor:

National: “President Clinton vowed to stay up as long as it took for voters to send him a clear message. He was in bed by 8:30 p.m.” (Terry Heath)

* “The White House spin doctors are saying that the demand for change actually began in 1992, so people weren’t really voting against Clinton on Tuesday. They just weren’t finished voting against George Bush. (Argus Hamilton)

* “The President just received the latest unemployment statistics. The good news: The number of unemployed politicians is down to 300. The bad news: He campaigned for every one of them.” (Hamilton)

* “Ted Kennedy compares himself to George Foreman: It makes sense. They’re both old, they’re both overweight and they’re both always hitting on someone.” (Conan O’Brien)

* “Republicans haven’t been this gleeful since the invention of the tax loophole.” (Albert Perrotta)

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California: “Pete Wilson’s reelection was the first statewide Brown-out that didn’t involve air conditioners.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Analysts say Sonny Bono’s election to Congress was not so much an affirmation of his platform as it was a repudiation of Cher’s last two albums.” (Peyser)

* “I’m wondering where Mike Huffington is watching the election returns--from his hotel suite in Houston? Or Dallas?” (Mike Nolan/KFI)

* “This just in from Costa Mesa: The Huffington campaign refuses to concede that the Beatles broke up.” (Robert W. Morgan/KRTH)

* “Arianna’s already demanding a recount: She can’t believe Mike spent $28 million.” (Michael Connor)

* “One reason Huffington lost is that many of his supporters were John-Roger followers and therefore not registered to vote in this lifetime.” (Peyser)

* “Huffington may have lost the election, but with all this talk about an INS conspiracy, he did get a job with Oliver Stone.” (Larry Swerdlow)

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The Chuck and Ollie Show: “Oliver North was so disappointed, he spent election night in the hotel bar, drinking and playing liar’s poker.” (Bob Mills)

* “Ollie lost his Senate bid because his campaign didn’t have a colonel of truth in it.” (Eric Cocks)

* “Ironically, if Ollie had won, he would have been assigned the same seat he testified in.” (O’Brien)

* “Charles Robb said he would celebrate his reelection by taking his little lady dancing. It wasn’t known how Mrs. Robb would celebrate.” (Connor)

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And speaking of politics . . . Carlsbad reader Philip Truex recalls when his brother Jamie was in kindergarten back in 1918. At that time, talk centered around the military maneuvers being employed in France at the time. One day, as the boys’ parents hosted a formal luncheon party, Jamie came bursting out of the garden and hollered:

“Mommy, Daddy, the neighbor’s cow just maneuvered all over our lettuce!”