LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Laugh Lines Contract With America: While we will cooperate with the new GOP leadership, we will not compromise. If you think we’re kidding, we have two words for you: Read our quips! *

Jay Leno, on the GOP’s Contract With America: “Do you get the feeling that when we finally get this contract, it’s going to be like the small print you see on the bottom of the Hertz rent-a-car contract? Hey, what’s this $3-trillion deductible?”

NBC anchor Tom Brokaw, at a USC Journalism School banquet Tuesday: “The difference between Bill Gates (who just bought a da Vinci manuscript) and Mike Huffington is that Gates got something for his $30 million.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Republicans’ plan for a reformed food program for the poor and elderly: “They’re calling it Scraps on Wheels .”

Comic Argus Hamilton says the President’s consideration of an amendment to allow public school prayer doesn’t make sense: “If he doesn’t have a prayer in ‘96, why should he allow one in ‘95?”

Hamilton, on Hill giving Bill some post-election advice: “She told him to stand on his principles. He really hates it when she gets sarcastic.”

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on Clinton in Asia: “He couldn’t criticize Indonesia’s human rights record. They’ve seen how we treat our Democrats.”

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Connor, on the state Air Resources Board’s new plan: “It’s tough. It severely limits Robert Shapiro’s use of smoke screens.”

Reader Ron Rosen of South Pasadena, on the KCBS interview with Judge Lance Ito: “Not to be outdone, KNBC’s Kelly Lange will show rare footage tonight at 11 of Menendez brothers’ Judge Stanley Weisberg at his bar mitzvah.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the Heart Assn.’s prediction that today’s children are in trouble if they don’t change their eating habits: “Doctors were alerted when they noticed that kids’ cholesterol counts were creeping past their SAT scores.”

Mills, on the opening run of the Chunnel subway, Eurostar: “French conductors were ecstatic: Since the project was delayed several months, they had to keep in practice by being rude to each other.”

Leno, on the Heidi Fleiss trial: “The question everybody is asking is, ‘Who did she hurt and did they have to pay extra for that?’ ”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the SEC investigating NASDAQ business practices: “They may even look into the questionable trading of Jose Canseco from the Oakland A’s to the Texas Rangers.”

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Reader Judy Donahue of Agoura Hills says her husband and their daughter, Jennifer, 4, heard an anti-drug commercial on the car radio that ended with the slogan, “Just Say No.” Jennifer said, “That’s wrong!” Her dad glanced into the rear-view mirror to see his daughter shaking her finger:

“You’re supposed to say, ‘No, thank you!’ ”