LAUGH LINES : JOKES

Philatelaughs, courtesy the Postal Service’s new stamps:

* “The Nixon stamp is a bit different from others. After you lick it, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth for years.” (Michael Connor)

* “According to the postmaster, you’ll be able to accuse the Nixon stamp of a cover-up, you just won’t be able to make it stick. He also warns that when the supply of stamps is gone, you won’t have Nixon to lick around anymore.” (Bob Mills)

* “You have to lick the new Marilyn Monroe stamp a bunch of times to make it stick. But most men don’t seem to mind.” (Connor)

* “A Bill Clinton stamp is next to be announced. It’s just an Elvis stamp, but with gray hair and lipstick on the collar.” (Connor)

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In the news: Jay Leno, on a ruling that alleged madam Heidi Fleiss’ clients will not be revealed: “Maybe someone should tell Judge Ito, ‘You can take off the fake beard now! You are in the clear.’ ”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the government charging Francisco Duran with trying to assassinate the President: “At first, officials thought he was just trying to shoot reporters. There’s a big difference. One charge is attempted murder; the other is hunting without a license.”

In White Marsh, Va., the Sons of Italy plan to boycott Goodfellas Pasta, saying the name is a well-known code to link Italian Americans to organized crime. Comedy writer Mark Miller says boycott plans “were finalized during a meeting at Sleep With the Fishes Cafe.”

A Sellersville, Pa., woman who weighed 1,050 pounds is suing a tabloid for comparing her to a baby elephant. Miller says the woman claims “it is one insult she will never forget.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the President’s Hawaiian vacation: “He repeatedly keeps hearing the word Aloha! Now if the political pundits would just shut up, maybe he could enjoy the islands.”

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In the Newt: Leno, on Clinton’s worries, even while he relaxes on the beach 5,000 miles from Washington: “I guess he put a sea shell to his ear and could still hear Newt Gingrich.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on reports that House Speaker-to-be Gingrich discussed divorce with his ex-wife the day after her cancer surgery, and her suing him for failing to make alimony and insurance payments: “He’s all for family values. Just not necessarily in his family.”

“Interview With the Vampire” continues to do well at theaters. Ray describes it as “the story of an ogre who turns his faithful into zombies and who loves to go for the throat: Hello, my name is Newt Gingrich .”

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Reader Jan Day of Malibu says a friend’s 3-year-old daughter accompanied her mother to the polls on election day. When the little girl saw the curtains in the voting booths, she asked:

“Mommy, do we have to get undressed to vote?”