Timeless Songs That Torture--but No Later Than Dec. 25 : Christmas soundtracks include some ’94 releases, then some older ones (but no dogs barking ‘Jingle Bells’).

Christmas is the only holiday with its own soundtrack. There’s no expiration date on those timeless songs that keep coming around every year about this time. Fortunately, we will be tortured no later than Dec. 25 again this year. What follows is an opinionated guide to Christmas music. The first part deals with some of the 1994 releases, then some older releases (but not dogs barking “Jingle Bells”). As to the following list, any delusions of completeness or similarities to reverence are purely coincidental.

Alvin & The Chipmunks--”A Very Merry Chipmunk” (Chipmunk Records)

Not as old as Chip & Dale, these venerable rodents at thirty-something are back again, this time aided and abetted by the likes of Kenny G, Gene Autry, Patty Loveless and Celine Dion, among others. Release the hounds.

Tony Bennett--”Snowfall” (Columbia)

Barely more than 30 minutes long, this one is mostly reissues except for “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” which was recorded live from “The Jon Stewart Show.” Tony and the big band cruise comfortably through the usuals: “My Favorite Things,” “White Christmas” and like that.

Mariah Carey--”Merry Christmas” (Columbia)

This disco diva is wearing a red Santa suit on the cover and performs the obligatory Christmas stuff inside.

Natalie Cole--”Holly & Ivy” (Elektra)

Nat’s daughter is not wearing a red Santa suit on the cover. Also available as a one-hour video.

Kofi--”A Very Reggae Christmas” (Atlantic)

Everyone has a plan that will not work--here’s a whole album. Most of this is the one beat, one song, one week variety of rootsy reggae. The “leetle drummer mon?” Ska, maybe, but reggae? No, mon.

Frank Sinatra--”The Sinatra Christmas Album” (Reprise)

Sinatra cruises and croons through the usual tunes, giving them all his own inimitable twist. Most of these are from the mid-’60s, with several duets with his kids and others with Bing. Reportedly, Duets III is in the works--that’s the one where Frank sings with Moses, Cardinal Richelieu and Gen. Grant.

Fear--”The Record” (Slash)

This is the classic punk rock album from 1982 that contains parent-hating Satan music such as “New York’s Alright if You Like Saxophones,” “Let’s Have a War” and “I Don’t Care About You.” Anyway, the CD, unlike the record, contains the grinchiest of all Christmas songs, “Bleep Christmas.” You won’t be hearing this one at the mall; but at 44 seconds, at least it’s over before you get tired of it.

Mojo Nixon & the Toadliquors--”Horny Holidays” (Triple X)

From 1992, it’s Mojo in a relatively festive mood as he folds, spindles and mutilates the Christmas spirit. “Jingle Bells, shotgun shells, Satan is a smurf. Take me to Toys R Us ‘cuz I don’t want to work.” That’s a pretty tame take on “Jingle Bells,” but “We Three Kings” becomes “We three kings of Orient are drinking whiskey in a nude bar. . . .” This is the same Mojo who gave us “I’m in Love With Your Girlfriend,” “Burn Down the Malls” and “I Hate Banks.” Gee, I wonder why he doesn’t get any airplay?

Johnny Preston--”(I Want a) Rock and Roll Guitar” (Mercury)

From 1962 or so, this is a single about a kid staring at a guitar in the music store window. He doesn’t want no plane, no train, no dump truck, nothing square like that; he wants something that swings. Sounds like Jimmy Page or Keith Richards’ younger daze.

Various--”A Christmas Gift for You From Phil Spector” (Rhino)

Released in 1987, this is one of the best Christmas albums, rock ‘n’ roll-wise. Recorded about 30 years ago, Spector then had a formidable lineup that included the Ronettes, the Crystals and Darlene Love. The usual Christmas tunes get the full-blown Spector treatment with his wall-of-sound orchestration. The Ronettes sing up a storm on “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town,” likewise the Ronettes on “Sleigh Ride.”

Various--”Christmas Party With Eddie G.” (Columbia)

From 1990, this is an eclectic mix of screwy songs such as an R & B rocker called “Christmas Day” by Detroit Junior that sounds as if it fell off the “Animal House” soundtrack. On “Cool Yule,” Tony Rodelle Larson offers a hipster’s take on the holidays, including the observation: “I saw a fat short that was making square tracks being pulled by eight dogs that were wearing hat racks. . . .” There’s an a cappella NRBQ song and all sorts of cool stuff in addition to three helpings of Eddie Lawrence, “The Old Philosopher.”

Various--”PLG Holiday Sampler” (Polygram)

From 1993, this Polygram Label Group sampler features songs about Christmas, but not traditional Christmas songs. E, an artist who wastes no time signing checks or autographs, showcases his funky bluesy voice on “Everything’s Gonna Be Cool This Christmas.” For sheer nightmarish energy with no direction, there’s nothing quite like William S. Burroughs’ “The Junky’s Christmas.”

Various--”A TV Christmas” (Scotti Brothers)

From 1992, this 12-song CD offers the rare opportunity to hear the Cartwrights of “Bonanza” sing “Merry Christmas Neighbor.” Also, Howdy Doody, Gene Autry, the Partridge Family, the Brady Bunch and three-fourths of the Monkees get festive all over the place. How ‘bout a Rush Limbaugh / Howard Stern duet on “Joy to the World”?

Various--”Yulesville” (Warner Brothers)

From 1987. C’mon, where else are you gonna hear Ed (Kookie) Byrnes, for a while the coolest cat on television, recite the title tune back when things were the utmost? Madonna shrieks a direct order: “Don’t Drive Drunk!” Others singing, giving advice and wishing happiness to all include Brian Wilson, Depeche Mode, Fleetwood Mac, the Pretenders and even Ice-T and others signed to the label. A very curious collection.

* PERFORMANCES: The opinionated guide to Ventura County’s rock music scene appears today in the 11-Day Calendar. Page 19