LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Michael Connor, on Judge Lance Ito visiting O.J. Simpson in jail: “They needed him to make a ruling. O.J. was playing Monopoly with another inmate and he won a Get Out of Jail Free card.”

Jay Leno, on a call girl’s testimony at the Heidi Fleiss trial: “She said Fleiss received 40% of everything she made. Prosecutors say that makes her a madam. I don’t know, in Hollywood that makes her an agent.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on former TV evangelist Jim Bakker, just released from a federal detention program: “He’s working as a temp in former wife Tammy Faye’s mascara mine. Bakker also continues to report to a parole officer and is limited to three faith healings a week.”

As Serbs and Muslims continue their brutal civil war in Bosnia, comic Argus Hamilton says the U.S. Senate is studying the matter: “Jesse Helms says he’s supporting whichever side is the south.”

Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on GM’s plan to recall half a million Cadillac DeVilles: “Don’t be surprised if you happen to see more pimps riding the bus in the next few months.”

Connor, on Seoul farmers’ protests over opening the nation’s rice market: “The worst is yet to come. Wait until they hear about Stove Top stuffing.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley says Rush Limbaugh has decided to withdraw his bid for Spike the Lobster: “He realized that if he ate a slow-moving creature with a hard exterior, there would be one less Republican.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Alabama officials considering allowing inmates to sell their handicrafts at a retail store outside the prison: “If you buy a wallet, it’ll have a slip of paper in it that says, Inspected by No. 1111543768926 .”

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Overheard on KFI’s Stephanie Miller Show:

Jeffrey Dahmer and a lawyer arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, “Now that your lives are over, I can tell you that final judgment is actually a lot more lenient than we let on down below.

“So what did you do?” he asks Dahmer. “I killed 17 people and ate them,” Dahmer replies. “You were pretty bad,” says St. Peter, “you’ll have to serve a month in Purgatory before you get to go to Heaven.”

Then he asks the lawyer, “And what did you do?”

The lawyer looks nervous and says, “I don’t remember, and I plead insanity.”

--Charles Perry

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Leaving for work one morning, reader Peter Harmer of Santa Barbara informed son Alexander, 4, that he would be attending a televised workshop on a local cable channel. Pointing to a spot directly on the screen with his finger, Harmer informed his son that he would be “in the television later,” and that if the boy watched carefully, he would see him. Alexander started to cry, asking his father:

“But Daddy, how will you get out?”