Reviving Social Graces : Some say that teaching youngsters etiquette is the best way to prepare them for the adult world.

Over the past 20 years or so, good manners have fallen into disrepute. A man holding open a door for a woman or pulling out her chair is regarded as hopelessly outdated. A woman serving tea or snuffing candles rates right up there with hoop skirts and corsets.

Yet many parents these days are looking back nostalgically to a day when youngsters were taught respect, and the rules of behavior for children and adults were more clearly defined.

That’s not to say that the appearance of social graces is all that is lacking in today’s youth.

“It really is not just about finishing-school manners, respectful behavior, or manners of children toward adults,” says Faye Snyder, founder of the Institute for Professional Parenting in Mission Hills. “You’re talking about an entire upbringing.”

While there is little doubt that manners still have an awful lot to do with the “magic words” of please and thank you , many parents are finding that teaching their youngsters etiquette is the best way to prepare them for the adult world.

“We teach our girls how to put on a formal tea, how to address and respond to formal invitations, how to shake hands and make a formal introduction, how to conduct meetings,” says Mary Straney, president of the San Fernando Valley chapter of the National Charity League, a national volunteer organization for mothers and daughters. “But really we are teaching them the feeling of self-esteem. They can walk into a situation that may seem foreign but they are not caught unaware or unprepared.”

However you frame them, good manners go to the heart of the way people treat each other.

“I still believe in men opening doors for women,” says Sally Fleer, a former publicity director and special events coordinator for Bullock’s department store. “I’ve been married 33 years and my husband always treats me courteously. We have mutual respect for each other and that is the root to all relationships.”

As just about anyone would agree, such civilized behavior begins, for a child, at home. “If you want your children to have good manners, you have to treat them with good manners,” Snyder says. “You must say, ‘thank you,’ every time your child does something for you.”

In fact, many people believe that the decline in social graces can be attributed to the breakdown in the family. “Families don’t sit down to dinner anymore, and that’s where young people learn table manners,” says Alys Swan, director of admissions for Powers International of Glendale, where youngsters take etiquette classes. “By being together, sharing family thoughts, parents can teach children to sit up straight, to use the right fork, even if it’s only once a week.”

For parents who feel they don’t have time to teach those basic lessons, or for those parents who want to reinforce the lessons taught at home, there are places to turn.

In addition to formal classes taught at schools such as Powers International, the Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts emphasize rules of good behavior.

“We have 12 points of Scout law and three of those include courtesy, kindness and friendliness,” says Terry Richardson, senior district executive of the Boy Scouts of America, Verdugo Hills Council. “We teach the boys ethics and action, to treat others with respect and to say, ‘If I were in this situation, how would I feel?’ ”

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For more traditional training, parents might want to consider sending their children to a cotillion, which may be on the pricey side, or joining a charity league, which may require an extensive volunteer commitment.

“Manners are stressed throughout our meetings,” says Kathy Logue, coordinator for the Swarthout Valley Cotillion, which offers social dancing lessons in Calabasas and Northridge. “We teach the youngsters how to sit, we talk to them about telephone manners, we remind them of such basic items as covering their mouths when they yawn in public.

“People are hungry for rules in their lives, they are hungry for the niceties,” Logue says.

Although teaching youngsters the rules and niceties is--for the most part--straightforward, there are always areas open for debate. One of these is the question of how young people should address adults.

“I really don’t care if my child uses Mr. or Mrs., “ Snyder says. “Children can become befuddled by grown-ups throwing their weight around with a one-way respect system.”

But some parents feel that only young children, those who might have difficulty pronouncing longer names, should be on a first-name basis with adults. “It depends on the age level,” says Kimber Lee Wilkes, who teaches etiquette at Pierce College in Woodland Hills. “I usually recommend that youngsters first use Mr. and Mrs. If the adult says, ‘Just call me so and so,’ that’s fine. But it shows a certain amount of respect.”

Ultimately, manners are about just that--respect: respect for oneself and respect for others.

“It is up to the adults to lead by example,” says Rob Kaspar, an assistant scout master of Troop 303 in La Crescenta. “You can’t demand respect. You can only give it and hope it’s reciprocated.”