‘90s FAMILY : As Questions Go, ‘Is Santa Real?’ Ranks Near the Top

In the Land of Ideal Families, parents are always prepared for the question, “Is there really a Santa Claus?” They know just how to answer so as to tell the truth without forever shattering their children’s illusion that there is someone, somewhere who knows your name, pays attention and will bring you exactly what you want in the middle of the night.

In real life, the question often takes us by surprise because we dread it almost as much as, “Where do babies come from?”

At the very worst, they hear the truth before they can handle it. One mother recalls thinking that her 7-year-old daughter really wanted to know. But when confronted with the truth, the girl replied: “You’re lying!” Six years later, the girl is still complaining, “How could you do that? Haven’t you seen ‘Miracle on 34th Street’?”

Accepting the truth about Santa is a bittersweet rite of passage for anyone who has grown up with the traditional story of the North Pole workshop, the flying reindeer, the chimney entrance and exit, the milk and cookies. But it’s complicated because--similar to the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny and, yes, even sex--adults really don’t want to help children figure it out.

Cynthia Scheibe, a psychology researcher from Ithaca College in New York who has studied how children learn about Santa, said that before age 7 or 8, children have no problem accepting the story. Four- and 5-year-olds don’t even notice that there are different Santas in different stores. At 6 or 7, they might notice discrepancies but explain them away. “They say, ‘That was his helper. He’s got work to do! He’s busy! He’s got toys to make!’ ” Scheibe said. One girl said she knew how he could get to all the houses in one night--he simply started in the eastern time zone and worked his way west.

But about 7 or 8, Scheibe said, children begin to see that there are holes in the story. “No matter how you explain it, he can’t get to all the houses in one night. A big fat Santa can’t get down the chimney. The magic doesn’t work.”

Some kids pretend they still believe in Santa so they won’t hurt their parents’ feelings, she said. Others in the transition stage might profess Santa isn’t real, but then change when the holiday rolls around. Then they start playing scientist, gathering facts such as samples of Santa’s handwriting to see if it matches their parents’.

Once they figure it out, she said, “the majority are quite delighted in joining this rite with this group of people who all know the truth. Especially those with younger brothers and sisters.”

Children don’t hold it against parents for lying about Santa, she said.

A true psychologist, Scheibe subscribes to the school of thought that prefers a noncommittal answer to kids’ questions. “ ‘Why do you bring that up?’ is always a good starter,” she said, followed maybe by, “What do you think is going on?” and then, “I wonder if that’s right.”

But the award for best answer, the one that gently straddles the line between truth and fantasy, goes to this Los Angeles mother of two whose 8-year-old announced this year that he “really, really” wanted to know.

She waited until bedtime, so her 6-year-old daughter would be out of hearing range, then asked him to remember a time when he had given someone a secret gift and how it had made him feel.

“He said it felt good. I said, ‘That means you have a little bit of Santa in you,’ ” she said. “That’s what Santa is all about, a magical feeling. The real Santa got that joy and wanted to pass that on, so he put the magic into all parents who came later.

“I explained it doesn’t have to be parents and told him how I once got food and gifts for a poor family and put them on the porch. And how that felt better than giving them a gift so they knew who it was from.

“His eyes got wide and he said, ‘I know what you mean! I’ve had that feeling before!’ ” Over the next few days, she said she found him leaving presents at his sister’s door. “He would tell her, ‘You know, I heard something in the hallway. . . .’ ”

The mother asked him to keep the secret in mind on Christmas morning.

He thought for a minute. Then he announced, “On Christmas morning, I want to believe it’s Santa.”

“I said, ‘Absolutely.’ We haven’t talked about it any more.”