LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on President Clinton at the Summit of the Americas conference in Miami: “Leaders discussed hemisphere-wide trade without import duties. It worked so well with cocaine, they decided to try it with everything.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Darryl Strawberry and his agent being indicted for not paying income taxes on money Strawberry earned for signing autographs: “When Darryl was delivered the indictment, he refused to sign it until a federal marshal forked over $100.” If convicted, Hamilton says, “Darryl could get five years in prison. His agent, of course, would get 10% of that.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the heirs of Three Stooges’ Mo Howard being ordered to pay heirs of Larry and Curly $2 million in unpaid movie profits: “The judge said, ‘The jury’s verdict is approved--nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.’ He then adjourned by giving noogies to his court reporter and banging his bailiff on the head with a rubber mallet.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on Ollie North working on a deal to be a talk show host: “He just needs 900 more guns, which he’ll then trade for the job.”

Miller, on Jerry Lewis joining the Broadway cast of “Damn Yankees”: “Leave it to Jerry to pick a show that will make the French revere him even more.”

Peyser, on the Wilmington, Del., law that limits panhandling to five days a year without a city permit: “A similar ordinance also limits the amount of begging by public TV stations.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the link between smoking and impotence: “Doctors thought they had a remedy, but the patch was impossible to keep on.”

Ray, on nude pictures of Paula Jones in Penthouse magazine: “She doesn’t want to keep the photos. She just wants to frame the President.”

Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on word that Roseanne is pregnant: “She’s already cranky and eats lots of weird food, so the only way doctors could tell was with a blood test.”

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Reader file: Jerry Gilbert of Venice says there’s good news for Orange County: “What with the depressed mood over the financial mess and the boycott of Disneyland led by Latino groups, the waiting time is down to 45 minutes at Pirates of the Caribbean.”

R. Alex Kaseberg of La Jolla says government services are to be cut so severely in Orange County “that officials will change the name of John Wayne Airport to John Wayne Bobbitt Airstrip.”

Joe Kevany of L.A., on the furor over the now-rejected mushroom cloud stamp: “Despite bowing to White House pressure, postal officials still feel the whole thing was blown out of proportion.”

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Reader Alida Waugh of San Clemente told son Evan, 4, about the birth of Jesus and the true meaning of Christmas, emphasizing the joy of giving and compassion for others less fortunate. After a few moments of deep thought, Evan asked incredulously:

“God has a kid?”