COMMITMENTS : The (Other) Parent Trap : Meeting your significant other’s parents can be a traumatic experience--when otherwise normal people suddenly turn inquisitor. But don’t fret, there are ways to charm moms and dads alike.

What’s scarier than a college entrance exam, riskier than an IRS audit, more painful than root canal work?

Interview with a potential in-law.

At any age, meeting your significant other’s parents is a stressful, sometimes traumatic, experience for everyone involved.

Seniors can recount verbatim each little insult uttered by a spouse’s parent decades earlier. Otherwise normal parents turn inquisitor, grilling suitors and sweethearts alike.

For during these first encounters, while our conscious self is busy lapping up eggnog and fruitcake, our subconscious is reeling.

“When you meet parents for the first time, the initial concern is that they approve of you,” said UCLA psychiatrist Dr. Walter E. Brackelmanns. “Then it’s common to transfer the problems that you had with your own parents as a child to the fiance’s parents. It’s not two people who get married; it’s six.”

Parents go through their own psychological wringer when meeting prospective sons- and daughters-in-law. The experience often brings to a head the issue of separation--one that can be particularly pronounced between genders.

“In relationships in which everyone is stuck together in a tight emotional bond, there are going to be some negative feelings because of the potential loss,” Brackelmanns said.

Besides letting go, parents must clear other self-inflicted hurdles. Parents often have high, even unrealistic dreams for their children that lead them to believe that their children’s fiances aren’t good enough. Others don’t believe their children are capable of making such important decisions and start having doubts before the girlfriend or boyfriend even walks through the door. Other times, the child’s glowing description of a suitor doesn’t fit the person who shows up at the front door.

Warning flags can also fly when a fiance steps out of bounds in terms of education or religion. One Thanksgiving, Judith Hayward’s college sweetheart invited her home to meet his parents. The fact that she was Christian and her fiance was Jewish already had the tension barometer rising.

Then while browsing through her future father-in-law’s bookshelves, Hayward spotted the title, “How to Prevent Interfaith Marriages.”

“My husband’s father was very embarrassed,” she recalled. “He quickly assured me that a friend had given it to him and he would never buy anything like that himself.”

Daughters-in-law hold a uniquely powerful position. Sensing this, Ron Burns, a writer from Pacific Palisades, has adopted a pragmatic approach to his 22-year-old son’s dates.

“I tell myself to be very nice to this girl immediately because she may be the mother of my grandchildren. If I want to ever see them, she’s the gatekeeper.”

Burns’ middle son, Adam, a high school senior, brings home girls for “study dates,” for which Burns and his wife wind up cooking dinner.

“The first girl who offers to help do the dishes gets my vote,” Burns said. “But that hasn’t happened yet.”

*

There are no fail-safe strategies for making a good first impression, but there are some ways to get off on the right foot. If you want to be interesting, be interested, experts say. Rather than meeting at the parents’ home, couples should consider selecting a neutral territory--like a restaurant--where everyone is on the same footing and all parties can exit gracefully.

Mothers and fathers should be approached differently, advises John Gray, author of the newly released “What Your Mother Couldn’t Tell You and Your Father Didn’t Know” (HarperCollins). Since men tend to bond through action, Gray suggests that boyfriends find an activity to do with the father--like watching a football game or fixing a car.

Either gender can make points with a mate’s parents by listening and showing respect.

“Dads want to feel appreciated and moms want to feel heard,” Gray said. “The more you can get mothers to talk and share, the more they will become emotionally attached.”

Even if there are relationship problems, couples should present a united front during the first get-together. Complete openness can come later.

“Women need to sparkle and delight in their fiances and men need to be affectionate and attentive,” Gray added.

Rather than rushing to fit into their boyfriends’ families, would-be daughters-in-law should use the initial rendezvous to observe.

“Respect that the family dynamic has been in place a long time and it’s better to just step back and watch,” said Annette Annechild, author of “Your Man and His Mother” (Berkley Publishing Group, 1994). “What you see is what you get . . . and you can learn a lot about a man by observing him in the setting where he has spent most of his life.”

As with any important job interview, appropriate attire and behavior are musts when meeting future in-laws.

“Don’t dress in a tank top with tattoos hanging out,” Brackelmanns said. “Just be friendly and natural. Both sides have to be very empathetic and very forgiving. Everyone should be nice to each other.”

Sometimes relationships do work out despite horrible beginnings. On their second date, Michael Zarro walked into the home of his girlfriend, Tina Deford, asking who owned the van parked out front.

“I do,” replied Tina’s father, Donald Deford. “Why?”

“I just hit it,” Zarro said.

A few months later, on a deserted stretch of highway, Zarro was driving the same van when the engine caught fire and the Chevy burned to the ground. All that was left was the metal frame and some fishing tackle.

“You weren’t happy just to scratch it, you had to burn it down,” Deford kidded Zarro when he saw the wreckage.

The bad karma continued. Zarro had just taken the wheel of Deford’s brand-new silver Cadillac when his Labrador retrievers started fighting in the back seat. Turning to separate them, Zarro smashed the luxury sedan into a parked car.

For many courtships, the crash of the Coupe de Ville would have been the coup de grace. Luckily, Donald Deford had a big heart--and a comprehensive auto insurance policy.

“If he makes you happy, baby, it makes me happy,” the Lawndale building supply owner told his daughter, who will celebrate her 17th wedding anniversary this month.