Promoting Harmony
The first year of a divorce or separation is the toughest on both parents and children. Here are some suggestions to get through that first Christmas:
* Take your children shopping to purchase a gift, or help them make a gift for their other parent. “That sends the message that it is OK to love and care about both parents,” says Stefanie Somers, a family mediator with Los Angeles County’s Parents & Children Together program.
* Encourage children to talk about their feelings. “Christmas is the strongest emotional time of the year,” said Woodland Hills psychologist Diane Ross Glazer, who specializes in children’s issues. “Children mourn the loss of having a picture-book Christmas with one, big, happy family sitting around a fire. Allow them to express how sad they are.”
* Keep holiday rituals as intact as possible. If some family customs cannot be maintained, replace them with new, equally wonderful rituals. Theresa DePaolo, for instance, will no longer host an annual Christmas party, as the gala was primarily attended by her estranged husband’s business associates. Instead, she is planning an informal, potluck supper “caroling party.” “We are going to hire someone with a keyboard and invite people and their children and do a sing,” she said.
* Newly divorced couples should celebrate the holidays separately. While getting together for the sake of the kids sounds like a nice idea, it actually confuses youngsters. “Children frequently harbor a fantasy of Mom and Dad getting back together,” said Rob Kaufman, an Encino licensed clinical social worker. “If you come together for the holidays, you give children a false sense of hope.”
* If your children will spend Christmas with their other parent, make plans for yourself. Spend the day with friends or family; volunteer for charity; take a trip--but don’t spend the day alone, wallowing in loneliness and sorrow. “All too often, parents put their own needs aside and throw themselves into their children,” Kaufman said. “But it is important for them to activate their own support network to get through this time. After all, a parent who is not emotionally healthy will not raise a healthy child.”