Commentary : LOOK WHO’S TALKING NOW: CONVERSATIONS WITH MY TV CRITIC FATHER

Notes from a chat between a TV critic and his newborn son:

“How can I respect a father who watches television for a living?”

“Kind of harsh, don’t you think? You say you need a diaper change?”

“I mean, just because I’m only a few hours old doesn’t mean I was born yesterday. Thanks to my trusty umbilical cord I was on the information superhighway even as a zygote. I even had my own Internet address. Used to e-mail viewer comments to ‘Dateline NBC.’ ”

“Which means now you’re going to tell me you know all about TV?”

“I know Jimmy Smits couldn’t carry David Caruso’s jockstrap. And by the way, so what if Caruso carried on like a big baby? I can relate.”

“You’re trying to say you’ve watched ‘NYPD Blue’?”

“Not exactly watched. More like absorbed. TV seeps in right through the placenta, you know.”

“Don’t you realize that show is recommended for adults only?”

“Like I had a choice! I was a captive audience, same as with all those ‘Kojak’ reruns and ‘Amazing Discoveries’ Mom used to sit through in the middle of the night. It wasn’t as if I could change the channel.”

“Did it occur to you that maybe the only reason she was up was because you gave her heartburn?”

“Second trimester, ancient history. But now that I’m out here, just do me one favor. Keep that purple, knock-kneed dinosaur out of my face until I’m old enough to have a shoe to throw at the TV.”

“I hope you won’t mind if I say you’re starting to sound a little colicky. Would you suck on this pacifier and just listen for a minute?”

“Mmmmfffff.”

“What you need to know is, TV never stops seeping into you. But now, it’s up to you how much. I hope that, with regular reminders from your parents, you’ll learn to use some viewing self-restraint.”

“You mean you don’t want Butt-head for a son.”

“You could say that.”

“How do I avoid it?”

“Two simple rules. First, identify for yourself why you’re watching a show before it even begins. Are you tuning in because you think it will be entertaining or informative, or even willfully, comfortingly dumb?”

“Like ‘Matlock.’ ”

“Or are you watching just because it’s there?”

“What’s the second rule?”

“Once you know what you’re looking for, ask yourself if there’s another, better way than TV to get the same benefit. You feel like using your brain, maybe you’d be better off reading a book instead of watching ‘Sesame Street.’ You with me?”

“And instead of watching a story performed on TV, I could make-believe on my own with my friends. Is that what you mean?”

“Exactly.”

“Is this what a TV critic does--preach?”

“I’m just saying it’s never too soon not to be a couch potato.”

“That would never happen to me. TV is too rotten to watch, anyway.”

“I don’t know where you get that.”

“Didn’t the humorist Fred Allen say television was called a medium because it’s so rarely well-done?”

“Yes, but that’s what a critic does--alerts viewers to the well-done. And gives fair warning about the rest.”

“And your readers, do they pay attention to what you say?”

“About as much as you will.”

“But do they look as cute as I do in my Snuggly?”

“Not a chance.”