LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on this weekend’s gunfire at the White House: “FBI agents now believe it was Madelyn Murray O’Hare taking pot shots at the Nativity Scene on the front lawn. . . . As a precaution, the Christmas tree has been restrung with bullet-proof tinsel.”
Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the shooting: “This time the bullets came from the Ellipse, a grassy knoll nearby. You know what that means: another Oliver Stone movie.”
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on House Speaker-elect Newt Gingrich going after PBS: “Oscar the Grouch says that if Newt ever visits Sesame Street, he’d better bring a bodyguard.”
Comic Argus Hamilton, on former President Jimmy Carter flying to Bosnia to try to settle its civil war: “It’s a very dangerous trip. Carter was forced to take a commuter airline from Plains to Atlanta.”
Reader Val Tonione of Arleta, on Carter’s world journeys for peace: “When asked by reporters why he just didn’t settle down like former Presidents Ronald Reagan, George Bush and Gerald Ford, Carter said, ‘I have wander lust in my heart.”
Hamilton on professional golfers’ threats to revolt from the PGA and form their own tour: “Republicans must seize the opportunity. At last, here’s a crisis any one of their former Presidents can mediate.”
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Also in the news: Comic Dennis Miller, on the new Republican government: “It has moved quickly to bring down homeless statistics by reclassifying Dumpsters as mobile homes. . . . House Republicans already have a version of how they plan to pay for a middle-class tax cut. It includes selling the lower class to the upper class.”
Ryan, on the White House saying Clinton’s promised tax cut can actually help reduce the deficit: “Even Ronald Reagan was shaking his head and saying ‘No way.’ ”
Mills, on the replacement for Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders: “Republicans are pushing for the head of the American Medical Assn., but President Clinton is said to be leaning toward Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.”
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on rumors O.J. is running out of money: “You can tell he’s destitute. His one phone call yesterday was to Jacoby and Myers.”
Peyser, on a Pensacola, Fla., middle school banning a sex education video because parents complained it uses a slang term for part of the male anatomy: “Oddly enough, the school still plans to go ahead with its annual December weeny roast.”
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Reader Scott Franklin of Santa Clarita says his 3-year-old grandson went to see Santa at the mall. While the young boy sat on St. Nick’s lap, Santa asked his name. “I am Peter Muir Franklin. And what is your name?” the child responded. “Santa Claus,” came the reply. Peter pressed on:
“And what is your middle name, Santa?”
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Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.