Shopping for Kids Is True Mortal Kombat

“Warning: Contains small parts which pose a hazard for children under the age of 3.” These are words you do not want to read as you are hastily wrapping your niece’s Christmas present.

I hadn’t seen the fine print. All I saw was a great doll house with tiny furniture and a miniature family and a big light switch that turns on and off. Something I wished I had when I was a little girl.

Little did I realize that 2-year-olds eat these things.

All right, I don’t have any of my own and I don’t know how to shop for kids.

Parents become indignant about this. “What do you mean, you’ve never heard of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?” a friend exclaimed. This from a person whose last movie in a theater was “White Heat” with James Cagney and who thought Tip O’Neill was Mrs. Gore’s maiden name.

It’s tortuous to shop at all during the holiday season, much less at a toy store. The heat and the volume on their kiddie Muzak are turned up to the max. Tiny creatures are slithering around your ankles spitting up nuclear waste on your shoes.

Despite what my friends and family think, I was going to ask for professional advice before buying for their little darlings. I saw a little girl who looked about the same age as my niece. Then I noticed she was punching logarithms into a kiddie computer. Intimidated, I slinked away. Heck, there were plenty of normal children in this place.

I spotted another expert. But before you could say Mortal Kombat, he threw himself on the ground and went into a tailspin, Mommy having said no to that $500 item in his tiny fingers. Finally, I turned to a man with children on each arm, one wrapped around his leg and another on his shoulders. “What do you suggest I get a 2-year-old?” I asked.

“A one-way ticket to Grandma’s,” he said.