BODY WATCH : A Pre-Mammography ‘Primer’ : Health: There are some things you should know before the procedure--such as, it’s not pain, but ‘discomfort.’ Wear nice shoes. Oh, and tone up.

It’s not the first time they’ve led you into the unknown. Remember your surprise when they got in the way of your batting swing? Threw off your balance? Went so far as to demand their own specialized undergarment?

Whether you were ready or not, your breasts pointed the way toward puberty.

Now you’re on the brink of middle age and--ready or not--you and your breasts are once more entering unfamiliar territory: It’s time for a mammogram.

There’s nothing scary about the procedure. In fact, it can be a lifesaver. But as somewhat of a mammogram veteran, I’ve learned there are a few basics your doctor will neglect to mention.

(I’ve glossed over some of the finer points by avoiding expressions like “vise-like grip” and omitting a description of the sensation of having your breast wrenched from your chest wall. But as any health-care professional will tell you, it doesn’t really hurt--you’re just experiencing some discomfort.)

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Before you show up for the appointment, I’d recommend you brush up on your fashion sense.

Despite your mother’s warnings, it doesn’t matter what underwear you choose. No health-care professional will know that your bra strap is held up by a safety pin because you’ll almost immediately trade your bra for a hospital gown, below which your street clothes will peek entertainingly.

Any impression you make rests with your fishnets and cowboy boots.

And while the poses you’ll strike are only vaguely pornographic, they are decidedly acrobatic, so consider a few upper body stretches before your appointment. You’ll be glad you did when the technician asks you to bring your left hand forward, palm up, while turning to the side and embracing the giant X-ray machine with your free arm.

It’s also a good idea to increase your aerobic capacity with some pre-mammogram conditioning because once that spunky technician has you in position and disappears behind that radiation shield, she’ll yell out, “Now, don’t breathe!”

Remember that while doing all this, you’re the filling in a photographic breast sandwich.

Yikes! may be your initial reaction as you imagine your breast spread flat beneath the glass plate, but relax. The experience is more surrealistic than painful. Bring to mind Dali’s watch: You’re about to see an intimate part of your anatomy from a whole new perspective. Persistence of Mammary, if you will.

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Funky sandals and all, I was more than ready for my second routine foray into the world of mammography. Still, the experience was not entirely glitch-free.

At my clinic, once the X-rays are read, the nurse gives you the all clear and directs you back to the dressing room. Or, rarely, the doctor solemnly appears and ushers you into his office. It’s obvious which way you want it to go.

As I waited, I noticed women being released who had come in after me. My first response was annoyance: Hey, I was here first! But in that kind of situation, it’s hard to hold on to pettiness. Your goal is anxiety, as in, Ohmigod, what’s wrong?

I was fleshing out my movie-of-the-week scenario when the nurse finally came for me. Unfortunately, she failed to utter the magic words. Instead she said, “I’d like you to step across the hall to meet Dr. So-and-So.”

I don’t remember his name because at that point most of my circuits shorted out. The only part of my brain that seemed to be working kept chanting the mantra: Don’tcrydon’tcry . I can see myself standing in the ghostly backlighting of my X-rayed breasts. I am shaking hands with Dr. So-and-So, and being introduced to his colleague, Dr. Something-or-Other. The mantra changes: Gettoit!Gettoit!

They are thanking me for having my original base-line mammographs sent to them ( Gettoitgettoit! ), they are explaining how much easier it makes their diagnosis ( Gettoitgettoit! ), they are telling me that my breasts are perfectly . . . normal.

What???

As it turns out, keen fashion sense, aerobic conditioning and the artist’s eye only go so far. The one thing you really need when you go for your mammogram is a way of fast forwarding to “everything is fine.”

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Get Tested Regularly

The American Cancer Society recommends that women have a mammogram done starting at age 40.

Depending on the finding, the test should be conducted every one to two years for women ages 40-49. Women older than 50 should have mammograms done annually.

The American Cancer Society also recommends self-breast exams starting at age 20, and a breast examination by a health-care professional every three years until age 40.