Post-Divorce, Not All Ties That Bind Are Familial : Many former spouses keep in touch with their in-laws after a breakup, even when no children are involved.

Even though he’s been divorced for eight years, Lee Terry visits his former mother-in-law, Diane Geisler, on a regular basis and often sits down for a friendly chat.

“My ex-mother-in-law and I have always liked and respected each other,” says Terry, 46, an environmental manager in Irvine. “Just because you get divorced doesn’t mean you should stop seeing your in-laws, especially if there are children involved.”

Terry’s two teen-age daughters have been going to their grandparents’ before and after school since their parents divorced in 1986. He sees his former in-laws when he drops the kids off and picks them up.

“My ex-mother-in-law and I have a very comfortable relationship,” Terry says. “We’ll talk about what the girls are doing in school, how my work is going and even discuss politics. We have similar viewpoints on many subjects. Even when the kids are grown, I’m sure I will maintain some sort of relationship with her.”

The relationship with her ex-son-in-law is friendly, agrees Geisler, 58, who lives in Huntington Beach. “If I ever needed anything, I know Terry would be right here to help,” she says. “He’s a good father, and I respect him for that.”

Many former spouses maintain relationships with their in-laws, says David Mann, a clinical psychologist in Mission Viejo.

“Children are often involved, but some people even continue relationships when there is no offspring,” he says. “If they get along and enjoy each other, they see no reason to stop talking.”

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If there are children, he says, “grandparents have an investment in keeping a relationship going, so they can maintain a positive relationship with their grandchildren. Many parents also want to ensure that their children know their grandparents, despite a breakup.”

Terry says he’s lucky to have a former mother-in-law who considers the children first.

“She has thought more about the children’s benefits than taking sides and holding grudges,” he says.

“My parents died, so they are the only grandparents the girls have,” he says. “I would be hurting myself and them if I prevented them from seeing one another.”

Geisler says she feels similarly. “Lee will always be a part of the family. As grandparents, you need to love your grandchildren more than your anger and remember who their father or mother is. The girls are related to him, and we can’t ignore that. The best thing is to try and maintain a relationship for the kids’ sake. The family unit is important, whatever way you can get it.”

Joan, 60, who asked that her last name not be used, says she feels the same way about her daughter’s ex-husband.

“The way I look at it, once a son-in-law, always a son-in-law,” says Joan, who lives in South Orange County. “There was never any abuse in the marriage, and he has always been a good father to our two grandchildren. We still consider him part of the family. If he remarries, we’ll be delighted to have him come over with his new wife.”

Recently, when there was a death in the family, Joan’s son-in-law quickly showed up with a gift and condolences.

“We talk regularly about the grandchildren, his job and everyday things,” she says.

When the divorce occurred, Joan says she made it clear to her daughter and son-in-law that she would not take sides.

“My husband and I have had many friends who divorced over the years; we have never taken sides, and it has worked out for the best,” she says. “So I decided to do the same with this.”

Maintaining a relationship with her grandchildren is also an important reason for Joan to stay on good terms with her son-in-law.

“Once children are involved, the whole picture changes,” she says. “If they hadn’t had kids, we might have told my son-in-law to stop by but may not have encouraged him so much. Our grandchildren are very precious to us, though, and you never know what life is going to deal you. If anything happened to our daughter, and we had alienated him from the family, we might be going to court in order to see our grandchildren.”

Though Sonia Gonzalez, 47, has been divorced from her husband for almost a decade, she has remained close with her mother-in-law, whom she has known for 30 years.

“I know it doesn’t happen very often when people get divorced, but my mother-in-law and I are very close,” says Gonzalez, a child services worker who lives in Long Beach.

“My mother-in-law and I spend time together often, and she’s always there when I need her,” she says. “Last year I had back trouble, and she was there in a minute to help.”

Gonzalez’s mother died before her children, now 24 and 20, were born. “My mother-in-law really taught me how to be a mother to my children, and she is like a second mother to me,” she says.

Gonzalez spends many holidays with her former mother-in-law and her four former sisters-in-law.

“They often come over for Thanksgiving and Christmas,” she says. “I guess they don’t want me to be alone.”

Susan, 34, an activities director and medical secretary at a convalescent hospital in Santa Ana, has continued a relationship with her in-laws, despite being separated from her husband for eight years. She also takes exception to the term “ex-in-laws.”

“I’ve remained close with my mother-in-law and one sister-in-law,” she says. “Despite the divorce, they are still related to my three children. We’ll always be connected, so saying ‘ex’ isn’t appropriate in my view. They’re with me for life.”

Susan says she looks up to her mother-in-law, who has qualities she admires. “In some cases, I would go to her for advice. I value her input.”

But, despite being on good terms with her mother-in-law, Susan finds that she can’t get too close to her. “Unlike how I am with my family, my guard is always up” with her, she says. “The most innocent things I say may be misconstrued, so I have to be careful.”

She has found that when problems arise with her ex-husband, there is also tension with her in-laws.

“For a few years, my ex-husband was out of the country. During that time, my relationship with my in-laws went very smoothly,” she says. “Now he is back in town, and they seem to have pulled in the reins. I guess they think their loyalty is being tested.”

Although she and the kids usually spend the holiday season with her in-laws, she says, this year was different. Her ex-husband is living at his mother’s home with a new girlfriend.

“They’ve been acting strange since this new woman arrived,” she says. “I don’t know if they know what to do with me.”