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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Le grind Orange: What was the most common toast at New Year’s Eve parties in Orange County? Comedy writer Alan Ray says it was Belly up!

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Disneyland’s new Indiana Jones ride: “The $50-million attraction takes visitors on a blood-curdling journey to terrorizing places such as the Temple of Doom, Chamber of Destiny and Orange County Treasurer’s office.”

On the positive side, says comedy writer Mark Miller: “Disney is offering a 10% discount to anyone who can show a bankruptcy notice.”

Mexico President Ernesto Zedillo has fired the country’s finance minister, who has been blamed for much of the devaluation of the peso and other economic woes. Comedy writer Tony Peyser has learned that his replacement will be Robert Citron.

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Comic Argus Hamilton, on Citron betting the interest rates would go down instead of up during 1994 and losing more than $2 billion: “People like him are flown to Las Vegas at the casino’s expense.

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In the news: Ray, on how you know you’re on a bad commuter flight: “When the cabin loses pressure, down drops a rosary. And when you try to use the air phones, all you can get is Dial-a-Prayer.”

Mills, on the five convicted felons running for Chicago’s City Council: “Their first scheduled debate will be followed by a free Johnny Cash concert.”

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Mills, on Darryl Strawberry pleading not guilty to tax evasion: “History’s most expensive sports autograph could turn out to be the one on his 1040 form.”

Jay Leno, on the Dayton, Ohio, postmaster arrested in a drug sting: “He could be the first postmaster in history to have his own picture on the post office wall.” Adds comedy writer Paul Ryan: “He’ll probably get off. All the evidence is lost in the mail.”

A convicted La Habra slumlord, who is being forced to spend 60 days at a Mid-Wilshire apartment house he owns, swore at reporters and maintained that he has “helped the needless.” Wonders Peyser: “Who is this guy’s speech writer, Norm Crosby?”

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1995 predictions: In a move to improve the relationship between himself and O.J.'s lead attorney, Judge Lance Ito offers to donate his beard to cover up Robert Shapiro’s bald spot. (Marc A. Holmes)

In surprise testimony at the O.J. trial, DNA experts claim that blood samples taken from the murder scene match Col. Mustard. Judge Ito dismisses jurors who have played the game Clue. (Roy Rivenburg)

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Reader Vern Fagin of Studio City recalls taking son Matthew, then 3, to a friend’s apartment for dinner. As the woman ducked into her bedroom to change clothes, the boy followed her. Fagin stopped him, explaining that a gentleman doesn’t go into a lady’s bedroom. Matthew turned to him and replied:

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“That’s OK. Betty’s not a lady.”

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Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.


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