Commentary : A DAY IN THE CHATTY LIFE OF AMERICA’S TALKING NETWORK

If I have one regret in life, aside from being the Only Living American Without His Own Talk Show (on the next “Richard Bey”), it is that I never got to see Naked Models Riding Llamas!

But I did get to watch a fully clothed man with a motorized parachute crash into a dumpster.

This was just one of the many exciting moments in my late ’94 visit to America’s Talking, the pioneer cable network that is doing its part to hasten the decline of Western Civilization by offering a daily programming schedule consisting entirely of talk shows. (The cable network is offered by many, but not all, Southern California cable systems.)

Readers with Latent Addictive Masochistic Personality Disorders and the Space Aliens Who Love Them (on the next “Rolonda”) will no doubt recall that earlier this year I auditioned for--but somehow failed to win--the America’s Talking Talk Search Contest, a nationwide search for the next Maury or Leeza.

To atone for this grave injustice, or maybe just to rub it in, America’s Talking media maven Jason Klarman had invited me to spend the day at the network, which is located in beautiful Fort Lee, N.J.

The day started at 8 a.m. on the set of “America’s Talking,” a wake-up show hosted by Steve Doocy and Kai Kim. Their guests were the Frugal Gourmet, who made a salad, and Dionne Warwick, who refused to sing but agreed to read the news. Afterward, her publicist said Dionne would talk to me if I promised not to mention the Psychic Friends Network. Hey, Dionne: You should have known!

In the hall next to the studio, the elevator door opened and out stepped two llamas, who were accompanied by Bud and Gail Stewart, owners of the Rocky Run Alpaca Farm in Malvern, Pa. The Stewarts, who were wearing sweaters made from the llamas’ wool, said that Navigator and Cafe au Lait would be appearing on the next show, “What’s New?” with host Mike Jerrick. The llamas were so excited they pooped on the carpet.

Also on the show were five extremely wholesome fashion models, two of whom were wearing feather boas. Celebrity fashion consultant Leon Hall had a great idea for their grand entrance. “These girls are riding naked on top of llamas!” he announces. The models, who saw what the llamas had done on the carpet, politely declined.

The highlight of the show was supposed to be a live outdoor demonstration of the Paramotor, a foot-launched motorized parachute that enables the person wearing it to buzz around in the air. There was just one problem: It didn’t work.

As Jerrick and a cameraman watched, flight instructor Francesco Desantis stood in the parking lot of the Mobil station next to the America’s Talking building on Route 9W. He was wisely wearing a crash helmet. Strapped to his back was the Paramotor, which looked like a ceiling fan with a bedsheet trailing behind it.

On a signal from the device’s inventor, Desantis started the motor, took a few running steps and, making a dramatic leap, was blown into the side of a dumpster. After this happened a second time, he gave up.

At this point, Jerrick introduced the llamas.

Later, I watched “Alive and Wellness” host Carol Martin get her head cut off. Then I saw a taping of “Cable Crossings,” the 30-second soap opera that is written and directed by former “Fantasy Island” whiz Marvin Himelfarb, who on a recent “What’s New?” accidentally set his hair on fire while sitting in a hot tub.

Finally, I got to meet Bill McCuddy, who beat out me and thousands of other aspiring hosts in the Talk Search Contest. Bill, whose show is called “Break a Leg,” turned out to be such a nice guy that I decided not to kill him.

I even enjoyed sitting in the studio audience during his show, which featured comedienne Susie Essman, former Blondie singer Debbie Harry, and “Days of Our Lives” star Louise Sorel and her dog, Jigs.

Of course, if it had been my show, I would have had even better guests. Naked Models Riding Llamas, on the next “Jerry!”