‘90s FAMILY : A Little Privacy, Please : Your child locks the bedroom door and won’t let you in? Don’t worry. Experts say it’s healthy for youngsters to spend some time alone.

When Chris Voran knocks on her daughter’s bedroom door and asks to come in, the answer is sometimes “no.”

And Kate, 7 1/2, will often add, “I’m playing, Mom. I need my privacy.”

Kate’s remark strikes Voran as amusing, but also healthy.

“I’m delighted to know she’s happy by herself. . . . It’s a good practice. There’s a whole lot of neat stuff you miss if you don’t spend time alone,” said Voran, of Brentwood.

Psychologists agree that it’s healthy for children to take time alone while bathing, dressing, and even playing and pursuing hobbies. And while parents welcome the break as their children disappear into their rooms or bathroom, the benefits go beyond that.

A child who can take private time feels empowered, said child and family therapist Mark S. Weston, co-author with his wife, Denise Chapman Weston, of “Playful Parenting” (Tarcher/Putnam, 1993). The child has “a belief that I as a child am a valuable real person with rights,” Mark Weston said.

Experts say parents have to teach their children about privacy or the children will not know to ask for it when they need it.

“A lot of people take it for granted that somehow they will get this notion from their grape juice, but it is the kind of thing that . . . needs to be taught,” said Mark Weston, who is based in southeastern Massachusetts.

But explaining to a 3- or 4-year-old the benefits of playing blocks alone or getting dressed in the bedroom instead of the living room can be a challenge.

“It’s a pretty abstract concept, why we think it is important to have privacy in this culture. I think it should be explained to kids, but I don’t think they will get it until late elementary school,” said Suzanne Gottschalk, a developmental psychologist who teaches through UCLA Extension.

Weston acknowledged the dilemma, but he believes that preschoolers can understand some of the reasons behind privacy basics, such as closing the bathroom door when using the toilet.

Teaching it in ways kids can understand starts with a parent saying, “ ‘I’d like to shut the door and go to the bathroom by myself, thank you.’ . . . You can have the privacy in the bathroom and you should shut the door so you can have it,” Weston said.

“In doing that, we start teaching some of the most important teachings of their life, respect for their body,” added Weston, who has two preschool-age daughters.

Kaylene Coleman of Irvine said she and her husband practice and encourage bathroom privacy.

“If the little one is sitting in there, we say, ‘Close the door’--just leave it kind of light. We never really make an issue of it,” she added.

Coleman said her older children--ages 12, 10 and 7--always close the bathroom door and often lock it, while the 3 1/2-year-old will leave it wide open.

When children see a parent or older sibling take private time to dress or think, they understand it is a reasonable request and will begin to honor the request--often using the time alone to play.

“When kids take time to be alone, just to play, there is something terribly important that happens: They are taking time to be by themselves and hear themselves out . . . to get comfortable being alone,” Weston said.

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A 5-year-old may ask for privacy to play with dolls or stuffed animals, and very involved conversations may be heard through the door. On the other hand, an 8- or 10-year-old may be pursuing hobbies that require being alone.

“At that age (mid-elementary school), their self-concept is really developing and expanding,” Gottschalk said. “It is important for them to have privacy to explore the interests that they are developing: collecting items, studying dinosaurs, reading, playing on the computer.”

Coleman said her 12-year-old daughter closes the door every time she goes in her room and may do her homework or read. “She rearranges her room with different posters. She works on little craft projects and she has a journal she writes in,” Coleman added.

Coleman said Brittney has shared specific entries with her and she has not been tempted to sneak a peek at other parts. Unless there was “a serious concern, drugs or something like that,” Coleman said she would not look.

“I’d like her to think I respect some semblance of her privacy,” she added.

A parent also affirms the child’s privacy rights by knocking on a closed door.

“When a parent respects the privacy and other needs of the child, that is building the parent-child relationship,” said Gottschalk, adding: “When kids aren’t respected, they don’t respect you back.”

But even when parents understand how healthy private time is for a child, their feelings may be hurt standing outside a closed door and being told, “Don’t come in.” Or they may just wonder what is going on in there.

When Voran is told she can’t come in, she sometimes calls out, “Are you OK in there?”

“That is my way of saying, ‘Are you sure you’re not doing something that you shouldn’t be doing and you don’t want me to see it?’ ” she said. “If I have no reason to suspect something is going on, I trust them.”

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Experts caution, though, that privacy can be taken to extremes. “Some parents worry that the child is withdrawing. . . . You have to stick a thermometer in the situation,” Weston said. “If your common sense doesn’t give you the answer, check with a friend or a great book.”

And in this way, privacy becomes a house rule that not only the parents follow but the siblings too. Still, it is one thing for a child to knock on a sister’s door; it is quite another to have to knock on the door to one’s own room. When given the tools of privacy and cooperation, children who share rooms often work it out.

Amy Muir’s two daughters--Emily, 9 1/2, and Lindsey, 5 1/2--share a room, but both manage to get the privacy they need.

“If one needs time during the day, she will shut the door. The other one can be somewhere else: the kitchen table, my room or with (their brother) Kipp. They usually work it out. Our kids are really good about cooperating and respecting each other’s feelings,” said Muir, of Irvine.

Doorknob signs are a creative way for siblings who share a room to get privacy. The signs, similar to ones in hotels, hang on the knob. “One might say, ‘Knock first. I want privacy.’ On the flip side it might say, ‘Come on in. I want company,’ ” Weston said.

But time alone doesn’t have to take place in a room behind a closed door. Time spent thinking and reflecting can also take place in the back yard in a hand-crafted fort or treehouse. This allows children to explore what is inside of them as well as what is around them.

Muir said her son, Kipp, 8, whose bedroom doubles as the family room, is likely to go outside to have some time alone. He may climb a tree or skate. Added Muir: “And if he wants company, he’ll ask one of his sisters, which I think is nice too.”