VALLEY Parenting : Playing Favorites Is Part of the Game : For some, a child’s rejection can be troubling, but it is a normal part of the developmental process.

Timothy Ho fully expects to temporarily fall out of favor with his 8-year-old daughter, Michelle, when she enters adolescence. But he never anticipated that the same thing could happen when she was 4.

“I remember my daughter went through a stage where all she wanted to do was be with her mother,” said Ho, a Panorama City resident. “I said, ‘What am I, chopped liver?’ My daughter said, ‘Yes, Dad, you are.’ ”

Ho chuckles at the memory. But for many parents, dealing with children who play favorites between Mom and Dad is no laughing matter. For some, the rejection can be dismaying and troubling.

But however painful it might be, say experts, parents should not panic. Nor should they take it personally, since playing favorites is a normal part of the developmental process.

“Kids choose up sides and invent heroes and villains,” said Robin Scott Walker, a marriage, family and child counselor in Woodland Hills. “This is part of the process they go through to form a basis of identity.”

Children choose one parent and alienate the other for various reasons at different stages of development. Needs for same-sex identification or the security offered by a primary caretaker are contributing factors. A boy, might, as an infant and toddler, develop a strong bond with his mother before moving on to seek a closer relationship with his father. Later, he might return to the comfort of mother. The pattern for girls is similar.

Eventually, in most cases, “the rebellious period starts, and both parents are out,” said Dr. Uzma Khalid, an Agoura psychiatrist.

David Boxstein, a Burbank pediatrician, says parents should begin with the assumption that the child’s behavior, however insensitive it may seem, is normal. He advises Mom and Dad to offer encouragement, reassurance and love, and let the child set the pace for togetherness. In Boxstein’s view, there is only one rule of thumb: Don’t force it.

Experts point out that a parent who is receiving favored status for a particular period can ease the discomfort of a partner by offering support and encouragement. Talk about the situation openly rather than letting it fester. It’s also important for parents temporarily on the outs to realize that the favored parent might be suffering too--from too much of a demand for attention. And, of course, the roles are eventually bound to be reversed.

Obie Slamon, a Woodland Hills mother of two who teaches Mommy and Me and parenting skills classes, said families can weather the storms of children’s favoritism by working together. Slamon’s husband, Dennis, for example, travels frequently and has occasionally felt left out. But whenever he is home, he makes time to talk and listen to his 12-year-old daughter, Joey, and 8-year-old son, Matthew--on their terms.

“The important thing is to set the time aside to be together--and making sure you follow through,” Obie Slamon said.

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Despite those efforts, some parents may still feel inadequate when their children seemingly turn away. “It can be very difficult for a parent whose ego is dependent on gaining a child’s approval,” said Karyn Maag-Weigand, a Sherman Oaks marriage and family counselor.

Experts recommend several ways for a parent to tackle the related problem of improving his or her self-esteem: Take a parenting class through a local school or hospital. Talk to other parents with children of similar ages. If there are still questions about a child’s behavior, or a parent’s reaction to it, consider a counseling session with a trained professional.

Most importantly, however, monitor the situation and recognize that it is probably just one of many developmental phases for a particular child--and a family.