‘90s FAMILY : The Truth About the Only Child

Does only mean lonely?

Not necessarily, said Toni Falbo, professor of sociology and educational psychology at the University of Texas.

Despite the commonly held view throughout history that a lack of siblings was a negative influence, “What’s been discovered is that the only child is not selfish, lonely or maladjusted at all,” Falbo said, citing Gallup research conducted in the past 10 years.

Author Jane Leder, the mother of a son, 21, agrees.

“Many people buy into the theory that only children grow up to be self-centered adults,” Leder said. “I was quite surprised to learn from research that only children grow up to be as integrated adults as those with siblings. For every negative aspect of being an only child, there is a positive, and in the end, it’s a wash. There are even some advantages for only children who do well intellectually and academically.”

For her book “Brothers & Sisters: How They Shape Our Lives,” Leder interviewed two people who discussed the advantages of being only children.

“One said his giving was not based on something he was forced to do. He was doing it from the bottom of his heart. It was genuine,” Leder said. “Another said she had the absolute attention of her parents and could garner all the efforts of their input. She said she thought she got a better education and learned more because she talked to more adults.”

Where only children feel at a disadvantage, Leder said, is a feeling that they have missed out on something. They may have spent more time at friends’ houses to be around them and their siblings. They may regret that they don’t have nieces or nephews.

“Sometimes only children are pitied because having siblings gives kids a chance to learn how to relate to people their own age,” said Judy Warren, a Beverly Hills psychologist. “What a better way to learn to share, especially in having to share parents?”

Only children often have multiple children of their own, said Kevin Leman, a Tucson psychologist.

“Overall, only children are always more mature. They get along well with kids older than they are. They love having conversations with older people,” he said. “They are good negotiators in relationships.”

The role of a parent in raising an only child, Leder said, remembering her own experiences, is to make sure the child has social experiences early on. “And I think parents of ‘onlies’ shouldn’t be walking around fretting that they’ve done something wrong.”