When a Loved One Takes a Mate, Three Can Be Company--or a Crowd

There was a time when Sue and her sister could talk about anything. Less than two years apart in age, they had grown up sharing clothing and secrets like close sisters do. Then, four years ago, everything changed, according to Sue. Her sister began dating a guy Sue has found it impossible to get along with or respect.

“I feel that my sister’s boyfriend has negatively influenced her,” says Sue, 27, who works in Irvine and asked that her real name not be published. “He’s selfish and aimless. Before him, she was goal-oriented and full of potential. She has a degree in biology and was offered a great job out of the area. But he persuaded her to stay with him. Now she’s working as a cocktail waitress, and he thinks it’s great.”

When Sue tells her sister how she feels, her sister gets defensive.

“Now when we talk, I have to be careful how I phrase things or she’ll get offended,” Sue says. “Our relationship is in a tenuous position. We’ll be spending time together and having fun, but then he’ll creep in. He’s like a roadblock between us.”

When someone has a close bond with another person and can’t get along with that person’s significant other, relationships are strained, says Laguna Hills marriage, family and child counselor Carol Hughes, who also teaches a course on dysfunctional families at Saddleback College in Mission Viejo.

Depending on how serious the animosity, the sibling or friend will find social situations involving the significant other uncomfortable at best and often impossible. Communication and closeness between the siblings or friends will also suffer.

And at times, one of the relationships may be lost. The person in the middle may feel forced to choose between the friend or sibling and the significant other.

*

When everyone isn’t chummy, it’s disappointing, Hughes says.

“We tend to have romanticized, Hallmark-card notions of how the relationships in our families should be,” she says.

“The reality in life is that everyone doesn’t get along; people often don’t like each other.”

When people dream about everyone getting along and that doesn’t happen, there’s disillusionment, sadness and grief over the loss, Hughes says.

Sue says she feels a definite loss.

“I’ll always love my sister, but the truth is, part of her personality consists of someone I don’t want to hang out with,” she says.

Often a sibling or friend has no choice but to accept the other person’s choice in a romantic partner, Hughes says.

“We don’t have the right to pick people for others,” she says. “At the same time, we don’t have to like the person’s choice in a partner, either. But carrying the dislike into the relationship isn’t healthy.”

To deal with the tension, Hughes suggests that the siblings or friends talk about the situation and agree to disagree.

“They can make plans to do things without the significant other, or even try things once in a while as a group,” Hughes says.

*

Hughes also suggests that people look at their own issues.

“Sometimes people don’t get along with a sibling or friend’s significant other because that person reminds them of someone in their life with whom they have unresolved issues,” Hughes says. “They have to work that out for themselves.”

When the dislike is mutual, significant others may discourage their partner from getting together with the sibling or friend. In that case, assertiveness is necessary, Hughes says.

“People have a right to spend time with their sibling or friend,” she says. “If a spouse tries to stop them, that is unhealthy, controlling behavior.”

Joe has been living with his roommate for three years and says they were close until a year ago, when his roommate began dating a woman whom, Joe says, is controlling.

“She’s very demanding of my roommate’s time and wants to know what he’s doing every minute,” says Joe, 29, a telecommunications consultant in Irvine who also asked that his last name not be used. “As a result, we used to do a lot together, but now we don’t. At one point, she wanted to set a schedule for when she would allow us to go out. I told her that no one manages my time but me.”

If he and his roommate do go out, the girlfriend blames Joe for corrupting him.

“The truth is, he’ll want to go out, but he doesn’t want to tell her,” Joe says. “As a result, I get put in the middle a lot. She’ll call, and I tell her he’s not here when he’s standing right next to me.”

The girlfriend openly dislikes Joe, he says.

“About three months after they started dating, she called, threatening me and calling me a bunch of names,” Joe says. “After that, I told him I didn’t want her coming over anymore. I don’t need that kind of abuse.”

It has gotten to the point where Joe is considering moving out.

“I hate to abandon him and our friendship, because he’s a really nice guy, but it’s not a healthy situation, and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore” Joe says. “My roommate needs to divorce himself from the situation with her.”

Often a sibling or friend can be more objective about a significant other and see the person’s true colors, Hughes says. If there is emotional, physical or verbal abuse going on, Hughes encourages friends or siblings to step in quickly.

“The recent media coverage has provided good examples of what can go wrong if people wait too long to step in,” she says.

*

Angela met Sandy at work, and they became fast friends. For 2 1/2 years, they spent a lot of time together. Angela really appreciated Sandy’s spontaneity and zest for life.

Things were no longer the same after Sandy met a new boyfriend, who quickly moved in with her, Angela says.

“The times Sandy could go out quickly dwindled down to nothing,” says Angela, 29, an Anaheim apartment complex manager, who asked that both their names be changed. “I’d call her and ask her to go out, and she would tell me that her boyfriend didn’t want her to go out, or she’d agree and then not show up.”

Soon Sandy was forbidden by her boyfriend to answer the door or phone when he wasn’t home. He would call her during the day to make sure she was obeying his orders.

Then Sandy and her boyfriend moved into Angela’s apartment complex. In the beginning, they were able to do things together, but then he objected and Sandy went back to not answering the phone or door.

At first, Angela didn’t realize there was abuse going on.

“I was surprised that she wasn’t going out and doing any of the things she liked to do,” Angela says. “I asked her what was going on, and she said that her boyfriend liked her to be home with him.”

*

After a while, Angela began to realize that her friend was caught in an abusive relationship.

“I started noticing bruises on her legs. I’d ask about them, and she’d tell me she fell,” Angela says.

“Once I realized what was going on, I told her she had to get out of the situation. By then, she agreed, but said she was afraid because he had threatened her father and friends, including me.”

In an effort to help her friend, Angela moved her into a vacant apartment when he was out one afternoon.

“He was very angry when he got home,” says Angela, who was pregnant at the time. “He told me to tell him where she was. I said I didn’t know, and he pointed his finger in my face and threatened me.”

Although Angela assured Sandy that she could take care of herself, Sandy went back to him. She said she feared for Angela and her father, who was ailing and bedridden. The day after her father died, Sandy left her boyfriend.

Today Sandy lives in another county. Although they have talked, and Angela has suggested getting together, nothing has come of it, she says.

“She was happy to hear from me but never followed up on it,” Angela says. “I think she had such a hard time during that period of her life that she doesn’t want any reminders. It’s a shame, because we were once such good friends.”