LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on Sen. Phil Gramm taking five student deferments to stay out of Vietnam: “He’s making Clinton look like Gen. Patton.”

Comedy writer R. Alex Kaseberg, on China agreeing to crack down on the piracy of U.S. “intellectual property”: “Who would have ever thought that ‘Porky’s III’ would someday fall into that category?”

Adds comedy writer Bob Mills: “The first counterfeiter arrested under terms of the new pact pleaded temporary insanity. He had copied ‘The Jerky Boys.’ ”

Mills, on the opening of Denver International Airport: “Departing passengers were shocked to learn that X-rays of their carry-on luggage were charged to their health insurance plans.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the President signing an executive order Monday to crack down on deadbeat dads: “He said enough is enough, and that it’s time France came back and helped pay the cost of raising Haiti.”

Cutler Comedy Network, on what most Cajuns say after Mardi Gras: “ Laissez les bon temps rouler . Roughly translated, it means: ‘I need help raising bail.’ ”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on the doctor who amputated the wrong foot of a Florida man: “Asked what went wrong, the doctor said he was stumped.”

Comic Jenny Church, on a new category for the L.A. Marathon: “It’s just for lawyers. They’ll line up in a parking lot and take off running when they hear an ambulance.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Detective Mark Fuhrman allegedly had a Nazi symbol on his desk--a Pat Buchanan for President button.” (Paul Ryan)

* “Judge Lance Ito has given Rosa Lopez a free room in a nice hotel and free meals so she won’t leave the country. Can’t you just hear Kato Kaelin? ‘Rad surf in Australia, dudes. Gotta split tomorrow.’ ” (R.J. Johnson)

* “Lopez insisted on a new translator. Apparently, she couldn’t understand the phrase, ‘the whole truth and nothing but the truth.’ ” (Cutler)

* “Johnnie Cochran went ballistic when the original interpreter kept translating white Ford Bronco as blue Toyota minivan. “ (Mills)

* “What difference does it make where the Bronco was? Knowing L.A.’s parking valets, O.J. could have been dining at Mezzaluna.” (Mills)

* “Judge Ito reversed himself and ordered Lopez’s testimony taped. That way they can add a laugh track later.” (Cutler)

* “Carl Douglas admitted the defense withheld more evidence. He’s fallen on his sword so many times, his doctor made him get a tetanus shot.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Lopez was caught not telling the truth so many times that Cochran stopped the trial and offered to make her a full partner in his law firm.” (Leno)

* “Lopez ended her testimony by saying the only English she knows: ‘OK, Mr. Johnnie, where’s my Mercedes and book deal?’ ” (Brad Halpern)

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Rancho Palos Verdes reader Nissen Davis recently was teamed with his son Scott in an electronic music trivia contest at a local pizza parlor. Contestants were required to select contemporary or flashback categories.

“Make it c ontemporary,” Scott pleaded. “I’m only 13.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.