LAUGH LINES : Jokes Are on Them, Prizes Are on Us

Twenty winners--from several hundred entries--in Laugh Lines’ second picture caption contest of 1995 have earned LL’s highest honor--Certified Humor Master T-shirts. The first-place winners in each category will also receive tickets to the Comedy Store.

The winning captions and writers for the Bill Gates photo are:

10. Bill Gates introduces his newest software creation designed to “chew your files, bug your programs, and then quickly become extinct.”(David Manpearl/Venice)

9. Bill Gates has come out of the closet. He’s a toon!(Bob Zaja/Claremont)

8. Bill Gates to take the helm at Kellogg’s. Snap, Crackle and Pop file for unemployment. (Joel Miller/Valley Village)

7. Bill Gates discusses his shocking fetish for small cardboard characters, on the next “Oprah.”(Jeff Ferreira/Moreno Valley)

6. Defying skeptics, Gates classifies three da Vinci drawings he bought last year as early Leonardo. (Kipling Austin/Ventura)

5. Bill Gates reveals that he saw these three characters in the vicinity of the Bundy condo on June 12, 1994. (Jill Kramer/Los Angeles)

4. “And as proof that computer monitors do not emit harmful radiation, I’d like to introduce my three children.”(Steve Winogradsky/Granada Hills)

3. Buoyed by his success in dominating the personal computer industry, Bill Gates announces his plans to build his “Geekland” theme park. (Mike Kearns/Aliso Viejo)

2. Bill Gates met with three top Disney executives yesterday and complained they were “rude, had short attention spans and that two of them wouldn’t even sit down.”(Don Seigel/Tarzana)

1. Shocked and appalled, Bill Gates is forced to confront his road kill from the Information Superhighway. (J. Machak and Debra Robins)

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The winning captions and writers for the photo of Sen. Jesse Helms are:

10. “Help me! I’m talking and I can’t shut up.”(Bob Vogel/Montebello)

9. “You know it makes me want to shout. . . . “(William Simpson/Los Angeles)

8. “Come on, Mr. President. Line dancing is like line-item vetoing, but a lot more fun.” (Bert Feinberg/Van Nuys)

7. After years of vehemently denying the allegations, Sen. Jesse Helms reacts to the paternity test results, proving that he is the father of RuPaul. (Bill Ordonez/Oxnard)

6. Replacement fan practicing the wave. (Charlie Krolak/El Segundo)

5. Suddenly, Sen. Helms comes to the realization his newest fund-raiser is the Village People reunion concert. (Jeff Ferreira/Moreno Valley)

4. “No, no, you misunderstood, we said tern limits. It was always about birds.”(Timothy Singer/Los Angeles)

3. Jesse Helms performs intricate dance moves to offer proof that he was the fourth and lesser-known Pip. (Volney Hyde/Van Nuys)

2. In an arts protest, mimes trap Jesse Helms in an invisible box, refusing comment. (Mark Rafter/San Bernardino)

1. “You put your right wing in, you take your left wing out. You put your right wing in, and you shake them good-for-nothing Liberal-Commies all about. . . . “(Scott Sala/Hollywood)