His Airness: "Michael Jordan is back, but he seems to have forgotten that in shorts, you don't need to scratch as much." (Bob Mills)

* "Some say he is returning because he needs the money. What'd he blow his millions on? Certainly wasn't batting lessons." (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* "It's the most ballyhooed return since MacArthur's." (Cutler)


In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Sen. Bob Dole telling the NRA that he'll sponsor a bill to legalize automatic weapons: "It's a shrewd political move. He doesn't want to concede the nut vote to Pat Buchanan just yet."

Comic Jenny Church, on candidate Buchanan saying he'll line the southern U.S. border with troops: "That's just to keep most Americans from leaving."

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on some conservatives pressing Dan Quayle to get into the race: "There's probably no way. They could draft him at the convention, but he'd just call Dad."

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on today's birth anniversary of Johann Sebastian Bach: "He's one of the most influential composers in musical history--aside from Yanni and John Tesh."

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the company that will send a topless maid to your house: "Another firm will send a nude handyman. If you schedule them both on the same day, I wouldn't count on anything getting done."


What's up, Doc? Part I: Jay Leno, on the doctor in Antarctica who removed his own appendix: "He said the worst part wasn't the operation. It was the two hours he had to wait before he could see himself."

Part II: Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the $250,000 settlement agreed to by the Tampa man whose foot was mistakenly amputated: "He turned down the doctor's earlier offer: $150,000 and a free vasectomy."


Cirque du O.J.: "Had another bomb scare at the Criminal Courts building. The defense lawyers thought another witness might blow up in their faces." (Leno)

* "Johnnie Cochran is bringing in witnesses that Colin Ferguson even refused to question." (Ryan)

* "With big hype, but little delivery, the 'contract with America' is sounding a lot like O.J.'s defense witnesses." (Tony Peyser)

* "Shapiro said he didn't want to use the race card. And, that if it wasn't for O.J., he would have discarded the other jokers long ago." (Brad Halpern)

* "Monday was Earth Day; the day targeted by the Dream Team that O.J. would be officially declared 'dirt poor.' " (Jerry Perisho)

* "There's a new cocktail out there called The Alibi . It's made with Bailey's and OJ, and those who have tasted it say it's remarkably weak." (Bob Lacey)


A 6-year-old boy in Davilynn Furlow's Irvine neighborhood stopped by with his mother to solicit support for his elementary school jog-a-thon. When she asked him if he wanted her to pledge, the boy replied:

"No, I want money!"

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