Disaster on the Titanic: If ‘ET’ Had Been There . . .

Talk about soft, superficial news.

“Entertainment Tonight” never met a story whose edges it couldn’t round. Since its inception in 1981, Paramount’s durable syndicated series has been a press agent’s dream, a spinning turnstile of celebrities and gratuitous publicity blurbs that gives almost everyone and everything a happy face. Self vaporizing each evening, it vanishes without a trace, leaving no taste, no footprints and no echo after the final credits.

Co-anchored by Mary Hart and John Tesh, “Entertainment Tonight” is that rare information show that could render vacuous even the most horrific, most tragic of events. Even, for example, the maiden voyage of the Titanic, which on the evening of April 12, 1912, hit an iceberg and less than three hours later sank with more than two-thirds of her 2,207 passengers.

Da da da da da-da.

John: This is “Entertainment Tonight.” And if you think that comic showman, Mack Sennett, has been making headlines in Hollywood with the release of “The Water Nymph,” the Titanic has been making headlines of its own for hours after going down with so many of its passengers, whose collective worth was $250 million.

Mary: Whoa! Just think of what D.W. Griffith could do with a budget like that. And what strikes many of us, John, is that as the Titanic went under, the band in front of the first-class lounge stopped playing ragtime and began playing “Nearer My God to Thee,” which you feature on your own latest CD, “John Tesh Plays Hymns by the Fire.” And that CD is available in record stores everywhere.

John: Speaking of everywhere, live from lifeboat No. 1 is “ET” correspondent Jerry Grant with Sir Cosmo Cassebeer and Lady Cassebeer.

Jerry: Can you recall for us what happened before the Titanic collided with an iceberg at 11:40 p.m.?

Sir Cosmo: Well, we had retired to our stateroom after a pleasant dinner of consomme fermier, cockie leekie, filets of brill, chicken a la Maryland and apple meringue in the first-class dining saloon.

Jerry: And the filets of brill?

Sir Cosmo: As fine as we’ve had.

Mary: Quite a menu. I bet Wolfgang Puck’s ears are burning.

John: And if he hadn’t gone down with his ship, I bet Titanic skipper Capt. Edward J. Smith’s ears would be burning, too, from gossip generated by a new tell-all book, “The Truth About D Deck.” And “The Truth About D Deck” is available in bookstores now.

Mary: The truth about third class on the Titanic concerned the carefree spirit of the young people who attended a gay party in steerage last night. Our “ET Gazette” was there exclusively, and these pictures capture the fun and merriment that made the event such a hit.

John: Today’s edition of the “ET Gazette” also picks up the gracious courtesy of the stewards on board and the camaraderie of the boiler rooms after the Titanic began listing.

Crew member: Well, we were grateful for a breather. We’d been working hard, and at least this was something to break the routine.

Mary: Speaking of broken routines, “ET’s” Bob Goen is live in lifeboat No. 12 with a seaman who’s wielding a mighty oar.

Bob: The water was cool, but he never lost his cool, and I talked to him about making the move from big boat to small boat.

Seaman: It was the right decision, one that I don’t regret, and all of us aboard lifeboat No. 12 are excited about the future. Frankly, I’ve never been on a lifeboat where everybody got along so well. All of us here are like family.

Mary: Speaking of family, “ET” exclusively interviewed the seaman’s mother in Southhampton.

Mother: I always gave the lad encouragement. I always told him that when things seem hopeless, make a jump for it.

John: And jumping into some new threads were Nigel Brewe and his manservant, Clarence, after learning about the shortage of lifeboats and that women and children we’re being given first entry. So they borrowed some clothes, and making quite a fashion statement, they’re live in lifeboat No. 5.

Nigel: I’ve always had a real eye for fashion, and the dress and matching shawl just seemed like a nice touch.

Clarence: I’m feeling fine, too, except for my wet petticoats.

John: And by the way, cross-dressing seafarers is the topic on tomorrow’s “Sally Jessy Raphael.” And on “Ricki Lake,” tune in and watch some pretty startled sea captains be confronted by their secret admirers.

Mary: Well, there is no secret about who was the most-liked person aboard the Titanic. In our exclusive “ET” poll of survivors, the honors go to Mrs. Maud Slocombe, who operated the ship’s Turkish bath. And no surprise here--least liked were Nigel and Clarence, who will tell their story Friday to Barbara Walters on “20/20.”

John: On “ET’s” own Titanic follow-up tomorrow, join the fun as six second-class passengers find themselves in tight quarters while locked inside a bathroom on the sinking liner. Meanwhile, the figures are in, and this week’s biggest opening was the 300-foot gash in the Titanic’s hull. And celebrating a birthday today is Germany’s Kaiser Wilhelm, whose tell-all autobiography will be in bookstores starting tomorrow.

Mary: There’s something else to celebrate. Here’s a starlight-studded tour of tonight’s coming attractions aboard the rescue ship Carpathia: plenty of blankets and mattresses, brewed coffee, soup, tea, brandy and whiskey.

John: I wish I was there.

Mary: Me, too. As for the Titanic, it wasn’t a perfect evening, but for the most part, a good time was had by all.