A Diagnosis for Every Ailment

Dear Doctor M.D.:

Mike Tyson just went out and bought five new BMWs. Why?

--JANET FROM RENO

Because he just made 10 new license plates.

Dear Doctor M.D.:

My favorite horse, Larry The Legend, is out of the Kentucky Derby because something hurt his hoof. What happened?

--JOHNNY FROM CARSON

I suspect Tonya Harding’s horse.

Dear Doctor M.D.:

Clinical depression recently sidelined basketball player Kendall Gill, who plays in Seattle. What depressed him?

--ACE FROM VENTURA

He plays in Seattle.

Dear Doctor M.D.:

What did Joe Montana enjoy most at his retirement party?

--LOPEZ FROM SANTA ROSA

Playing pin the tail on Steve Young.

Dear Doctor M.D.:

The Mighty Mary boat in the America’s Cup has a huge rear end. What do the women on board call it?

--ROBERTO

FROM SAN CLEMENTE

Howard’s stern.

Dear Doctor M.D.:

You think that the Clippers should reward Lamond Murray rather than suspend him? Why?

--GLENDA FROM GLENDALE

The man did attend 78 Clipper games.

Dear Doctor M.D.:

Tampa Bay has named its new baseball team the Devil Rays. What’s your reaction?

--SHELLEY

FROM LONG BEACH

I hate it. A name like that could give baseball players a good image.

Dear Doctor M.D.:

Who is it who says Tom Lasorda and Tom Candiotti of the Dodgers sound exactly alike?

--TOM FROM SANTA CRUZ

Alfonse D’Amato.

Dear Doctor M.D.:

What is the worst possible impact Dennis Rodman could have on the San Antonio Spurs in the playoffs?

--JOHN FROM STOCKTON

David Robinson with green hair.

Dear Doctor M.D.:

How do you feel about Lawrence Taylor going from New York football to professional wrestling?

--OTIS FROM REDDING

What’s the difference?

Dear Doctor M.D.:

Please tell me how hard George Foreman has been training for this week’s fight.

--KATHY

FROM BAKERSFIELD

You know what’s in that bucket they carry to George’s corner between rounds? Chicken.

Dear Doctor M.D.:

Is it true that you never write about auto racing because you know so little about automobiles?

--MARY CHAPIN

FROM CARPINTERIA

I thought Liam Neeson was a Japanese car dealership.

Dear Doctor M.D.:

What principal responsibility did the women aboard the Mighty Mary give to the only man on their boat?

--VICTORIA

FROM VICTORVILLE

Fold the map.

Dear Doctor M.D.:

Kevin Costner’s new movie, “Waterworld”--what’s it about?

--ALEC

FROM BALDWIN HILLS

The year is 2525, the world is under water, and the 1995 America’s Cup still hasn’t ended.

Dear Doctor M.D.:

Do you have any problem with that TV commercial co-starring Charles Barkley and Daffy Duck?

--THURMAN FROM YUMA

Yes. Which is which?