LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on the guv’s hiring of illegal immigrants: “First you had Mike Huffington doing it, then Pete Wilson. If the Republicans in this state could create half as many new jobs for California residents as they have for those from Mexico and Peru, we’d be in great shape here.”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on Farley D. Kaynine, the dog who’s running for mayor of Sunland/Tujunga: “He’s already in trouble. A few years ago, he employed an unlicensed Chihuahua.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on militia advocate Mark Koernke’s speech in Palm Springs urging resistance against the new world order: “Koernke, who cleans dorm rooms for a living, says his rise was predicted in the Bible with the phrase ‘and a janitor shall lead them.’ ”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the FCC allowing Rupert Murdoch to keep his Fox network: “In return, he’ll provide more than nightly sex and violence. He’ll add a daytime schedule too.”

Ray, on the new feature film “Gumby” to debut this month: “Sound is heard but his lips barely move. Critics are calling him ‘the new Stallone.’ ”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on KLOS-FM deejay Mark Thompson, arrested for vaulting over a Santa Clarita sheriff’s station counter: “A deputy said the jump was adequate, but lacked the style of a Don Imus and the altitude of a Howard Stern.”

Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on the federal government agreeing to drop its endangered-species case against a Kern County farmer accused of killing kangaroo rats: “The more endangered species turned out to be the farmer.”

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Whitewater shafting: Mills, on President Clinton’s Moscow trip: “He laid wreaths at the tombs of the unknown soldiers and, upon his return, placed them on the office doors of unknown conspirators in the Whitewater affair.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on letters written to Sen. Bob Dole by Richard Nixon: “He urged Dole to break into the Whitewater Hotel and find out everything he could.”

Adds Hamilton: “He also wrote advisory letters to Clinton about how to make sure Whitewater wouldn’t land him in prison. Appoint Gerald Ford vice president, and tell him it’s the same deal as last time.”

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Among David Letterman’s Top 10 ways to make basketball more exciting:

* Technical foul equals loss of possession and pants.

* Items fans throw that make a basket counts for their team.

* Players ride around the court on angry llamas.

* Shot worth 10 points if you bounce it off opponent’s head.

* Michael Jordan still gets to use a baseball bat.

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Tustin reader Gladys Graham’s granddaughter Kelly, 3, was talking with her friend, who’d just been to see her physician, Dr. Brown. “Who’s your doctor?” asked Kelly’s friend.

Kelly immediately replied, “Dr. Seuss. “

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