COMMITMENTS : Great Expectations : The best of times . . . or the worst of times? Those so-called big moments--honeymoons, anniversaries--are rarely a cure-all for foundering relationships.

It’s your anniversary bash. Bubbly and hors d’oeuvres flow as the guests arrive. A pianist tickles the ivories and croons “Only You.”

. . . Only you and your spouse aren’t speaking to each other.

While adoring couples in diamond ads vow they would “marry all over again” for multicarat anniversary rings, real couples often give one another the cubic zirconia treatment. For one day, we are forced to look objectively at our lives, and the view can be scary. Warren Beatty and Annette Bening we’re not.

And those annoying flaws in our spouse that we thought would change over time? They’ve gotten worse.

Honeymoons, named after the ancient Teuton practice of drinking honey wine for a month after marriage, are notoriously disappointing. Legend has it that Attila the Hun drank so much honey wine after his wedding that he died. While most newlyweds have a slightly better time, the experience often leaves something to be desired.

Four years ago, West Los Angeles architects Michael and Andrea Gehring traveled to Maui for a romantic honeymoon. At the hotel poolside, a blonde approached Andrea, asking if her husband’s name was Mike.

“It turned out to be Mike’s first serious girlfriend,” Andrea said. “She and her husband were there celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary and we ended up spending the whole week with them. It wasn’t my dream honeymoon.”

Sometimes, the gap between expectations and reality is too great to bridge.

“We lose a lot of honeymooners,” said Neil Clark Warren, a Pasadena psychologist and author of “Finding the Love of Your Life: 10 Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner” (Pocket Books, 1994). “Fifty percent of all divorces take place within two years of marriage.”

Jack and Irene Blok weathered a less-than-perfect first anniversary. Early in their eight-week camping trip in the Sierras, a mosquito bit Irene between the eyes so badly that her nose swelled to her forehead. The next day, with her husband off fishing, the Bronx-born Irene nearly passed out after a glacial shampoo. To add injury to insult, she tore her ankle on a metal bed frame in a Las Vegas hotel room.

The Bloks learned to avoid camping, and 26 years later their marriage is going strong. Last summer, friends and relatives helped the couple celebrate their silver wedding anniversary. In honor of the milestone, Irene composed a romantic sonnet for her husband.

“You learn not to put so much attention on your fantasies but rather to focus on what you have in the relationship and be grateful,” said Irene, a Saugus High School counselor and mother of two. “The reality is so much better.”

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Major anniversaries, such as the 10-, 25- and 50-year varieties, come packaged with extra stress.

“On special anniversaries, there tends to be an expectation, a sense of entitlement, that something really great should occur,” said West Los Angeles psychologist Marion Solomon, author of “Lean On Me: The Power of Positive Dependency in Intimate Relationships” (Simon & Schuster, 1994).

“But what often happens is that one person, often the man, forgets the anniversary--and the spouse becomes resentful.”

Anniversaries, the experts say, are ideal opportunities for couples to recommit to the marriage and renew their vows.

“They are perfect times to talk about how we can be there for each other and see how to make the marriage a little better,” Solomon said. “If you focus on your partner, he or she will think you are so perceptive. The best way to get your needs met is to be giving.”

Experts suggest that anniversary couples focus on the positive and think back to what made them fall in love originally. But things get complicated when those very qualities become sources of friction.

“A woman who was initially attracted to a man because he was the strong, silent, Gary Cooper type often complains that her husband doesn’t talk enough,” Solomon said.

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To recapture the ardor of youth and sometimes to improve upon the first effort, many couples embark on second honeymoons.

In preparation for these sentimental journeys, couples spend lots of money, and ship the kids to their grandparents and the dog to the kennel. The pressure is on to have a great time--and to fix whatever is wrong with the marriage.

“People mistakenly think that after they go off on trips, everything will be better, including their self-esteem and eating or drinking disorders,” said psychologist Warren.

The return to reality can be difficult.

“Couples renewed and refreshed from an anniversary trip need to do some mental planning to slowly bring that closeness and romance into their everyday relationship,” Warren said. “Marriage is a monumental task in which two complex human beings are trying to establish a new corporate identity. The very fact that two people have stayed together and are relatively happy deserves congratulations.”

Louise and Robert Lee of Fullerton are one such couple. Last spring, they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary surrounded by their four children, 12 grandchildren and numerous friends. It was at the University of Wisconsin that Robert’s sister introduced him to her sorority sister, who ostensibly needed a tutor for organic chemistry. “I got 100 on the final,” Louise recalled.

The biggest dividend of fighting rather than switching, Louise said, is that she and her husband have inspired their own children.

What’s their secret?

“We can see how we grew when things were hard--both in our competencies and our own bonding,” she said. “You don’t get to appreciate the rewards of an enduring relationship until it has seasoned.”