LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the IRS audit of the National Rifle Assn.: “There seems to be a little problem with the NRA’s 1994 tax return. It tried to claim 200 Republican lawmakers as dependents.”

* Adds comedy writer Alan Ray: “Despite the IRS audit and money problems, NRA membership continues to grow. It’s a status thing. Most adults join so their kids can get into one of the better militias.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the drug sting that netted former Justice Department officials, U.S. attorneys and three other lawyers: “When you can get drug dealers and lawyers off the street at the same time, that’s great police work.”

Hamilton, on a charge that Phil Gramm helped a drug dealer get parole in 1979, during the same decade he helped finance a sleazy movie: “He has a perfect explanation--he was a Democrat until 1984.”

Comic Jenny Church, on ex-O.C. Treasurer Robert Citron showing up at a prayer breakfast to quote Scripture: “All his Bible verses were in Chapter 11.”

Cutler Comedy Rock Network, on the unwed, pregnant college student/National Guardswoman who won $87 million-plus in the Powerball lottery: “Rich, happy and in the National Guard? Sounds like Dan Quayle during Vietnam.”

Ryan, on the renovation of the Beverly Hills Hotel: “The new owners used the same construction company that did the work on the Gabor sisters.”

Cutler, on Larry’s King 10th anniversary at CNN: “This is the only time you’ll hear the words Larry King and 10th anniversary in the same sentence.”

Sid Williams, on the new 32 stamp honoring Marilyn Monroe: “Don’t you think it should be at least a 38?”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Don’t think of it as losing two jurors. Think of it as gaining two more authors.” (Jay Leno)

* “The remaining jurors breathed a sigh of relief. The ejected jurors were the ones begging for the John Tesh concerts.” (Bob Mills)

* “They say one of the two dismissed jurors intimidated other jurors. He’s a postal worker--of course that’s gonna make people nervous.” (Cutler)

* “When Johnnie Cochran heard about the dismissals, he asked Robert Shapiro and Barry Scheck if he had any appeal. In unison, they replied, ‘very little.’ ” (Mills)

* “Opposed to letting O.J. make a dramatic exit, Marcia Clark didn’t want him to display his acting talent because then they’d need to bring out the microscope again.” (Church)

* “It’s good the defense bought some extra time by appealing the juror dismissals. O.J. needed more time to polish his big exit scene.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Another case of an actor who can’t bear to see his finished work.” (Cutler)

*

When Acton reader Patricia Klein tucked son Kyle, 6, into bed, he asked if he could marry his sister Christa, 7, when they became adults. Klein explained that it would be against the law, adding that it would be too complicated because they had the same genes. When Klein walked across the hall to tuck in Christa, who’d overheard the conversation, the little girl asked:

“Could we if we wore different colored ones?”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.