LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on President Clinton’s first veto, the GOP’s $16.4-billion tax-cut package: “Republicans denied there was ‘pork’ in the bill, but the words mu shu appeared 212 times in it.”
Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the federal indictment of Arkansas Gov. Jim Guy Tucker: “He inherited a felony Clinton left behind when he became President.”
* Adds comic Argus Hamilton: “There are nine suspects in Arkansas. Clinton may be the first President in history to sponsor his own prison softball team.”
Cutler Comedy Rock Network, on accusations that GOP presidential hopeful Phil Gramm helped a convicted drug runner get parole: “Gramm denies it, saying, ‘Ollie North got those convictions overturned all by hisself.’ ”
Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey’s alternative to the city’s new slogan, “L.A. Together We’re the Best”: Welcome to L.A. . . . Duck!
Jay Leno, on a woman who wore both the Wonderbra and the Miracle Boost jeans: “When she tried to take them off at the same time, the recoil pitched her out the window.”
Leno, on Blockbuster Video sponsoring an awards show Tuesday night on CBS: “You know why the company does it. It knows that 20 minutes into the show, people are saying, ‘This stinks. Let’s go down to Blockbuster.’ ”
Cutler, on National Rose Month (June): “What are the most common words overheard at a florist’s? So . . . what did you do this time? “
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Philip Morris agreeing to keep its signs out of areas frequently seen during telecasts: “In football stadiums, the Marlboro signs will now be put in a more appropriate place--the coffin corner.”
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Cirque du O.J.: “The Dream Team was saddened to see a tear in O.J.’s eyes. Even Johnnie Cochran thought it would take another two cases of onions.” (Brad Halpern)
* “Marcia Clark was admonished for trying to read a newspaper in the courtroom. Actually, she just wanted to spread it out underneath the defense table.” (Cutler)
* “This week, coroner Lakshmanan Sathyavagiswaran is testifying for the prosecution. His original surname was Sathyavagiswaran stein , but he shortened it because it sounded too ethnic.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)
Healey, on Judge Lance Ito’s deepest, darkest secrets:
* His “American Gladiator” name is Titan.
* Whenever he needs a good cry, he buys a box of Kleenex and rents “Steel Magnolias.”
* Claims that peace and serenity in his life would not be possible if it wasn’t for his Thigh Master.
* Frequently seen at Hollywood parties using his gavel to crack ice.
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When Culver City reader Richard Witkin told his son, Nick, 3, that they were going to pick up the new family car, the boy wondered aloud:
“Do we have to put it together?”
* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.