Lights, Action, Barriers

My doorbell rang at 6 o’clock one morning, and when I answered it there was a beautiful woman standing on my porch with a handful of $100 bills.

She had the pert, hyper-cute quality of a Meg Ryan, roughly composed of three parts puppy and one part strawberry shortcake, and said her name was Kellee. She even spelled it for me.

“People think it’s K-e-l-l-y,” she said cutely, “but it isn’t. It’s K-e-l-l-e-e.” Then she smiled and cocked her head.

I stood there in my wife’s weathered gray bathrobe with “My Next Husband Will Be Normal” inscribed across the back and said, “What do you want, K-e-l-l-e-e?”

She explained that she was part of a film crew shooting a movie in the area and that, to apologize for any possible inconvenience, the company would pay us $100 a day if we would sign a waiver accepting the inconvenience.

Kellee had a way of delivering her message that was both saucy and precise, to the extent that I suspected at any moment she might spell every word for me to assure my u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d-i-n-g of the situation.

Given L.A.’s kissy-kissy attitude toward filming, I knew I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to, so I signed the waiver and took the money. When I went back to bed and told Cinelli that a beautiful woman had given me $100 to commit unspeakable acts of filth and perversion, she said, “We can put it toward a new fishpond,” and went back to sleep.

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I mention the incident only to indicate how the film industry is reaching into even the most remote areas of L.A. County for location shooting and how it is attempting to sweeten our attitudes toward its intrusions.

Much of this has to do with the efforts of L.A.’s film czar, Cody Cluff, who is responsible for enticing studios to make their movies here, while reminding them to be nice to the people in whose communities they are shooting.

They should not, for instance, wear T-shirts with offensive lettering (“Dole for President” would be one example), give anyone the finger or otherwise display an arrogant attitude toward those of us who might object to a portable toilet truck being parked on either our lawn or our dog.

Cluff’s message, however, did not reach one company that was shooting outside of Marshall High on Election Day. I heard about it from Steve Peckman, a patriotic, God-fearing man who was attempting to carry out his civic duty by voting, even though hardly anyone else in L.A. County was.

The voting booth was in the school auditorium, but the street to the school was blocked by the trucks and cars of a film company. Peckman says he was waved off by a woman member of the film crew, despite his contention that his right to vote superseded her right to film.

She was not wearing an offensive T-shirt and did not give him the finger, but she kept yelling for him to move on.

In the end Peckman parked illegally, voted and then called the city clerk’s office to complain. A deputy clerk was sent to the school and ordered the film company to clear the street, which it did, and peace was restored.

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There are about 7,000 filming permits issued each year in the county. The presence of the companies puts people like Kellee to work who otherwise might be on the public dole. There aren’t a lot of jobs available for those whose expertise lies in being cute and handing out $100 bills. To give her proper credit, you also have to be able to cock your head at an acute angle without falling over sideways. It’s a job for pros and should not be tried at home.

However, I agree with Cody Cluff that despite their economic benefits, film companies cannot block us from performing our civic duties even though they might be shooting clean family movies that do not contain scenes of frontal nudity or bestiality.

In one instance I know of, the Disney Co. outraged a neighborhood by staging a late-night parade for a forgettable television production called “Rock ‘n’ Roll Mom.” Only when the neighbors threatened to form a vigilante committee and hang Mickey Mouse did the shooting stop.

The incident at Marshall High had a plus side in that it brought the school $1,500 to allow filming on its premises. Allowing a voting booth in its auditorium brought in nothing.

I’m going to suggest to Cody Cluff that while he is working up a code of conduct for film companies, he incorporate the idea that they have to pay voters $100 each if they are turned away from their polling place; $200 if the movie being shot is either dirty or violent.

Since moral corruption has always had its price in politics and show biz, we might as well get a piece of it. Take the money and build the fishpond.