THE WACKIEST SPACESHIP IN THE GALAXY

One of our starships is missing.

USS Voyager, NCC-74656, roams the inky vastnesses of prime time as “Star Trek: Voyager” and the flagship of the fledgling United Paramount Network. Indeed, it’s the only UPN series coming back in the fall.

The problem is, to put it kindly, that ‘Voyager” is a troubled ship, wracked by creative failures, a bloated cast and the most freeze-dried plots and stories ever rejected by the folks at “Star Trek: Next Generation.”

Its premise is that a mysterious Entity has flung the starship 70,000 light years from known space. Voyager faces a 70-year voyage to get home. What a liberating idea!

By truly venturing where no man had gone before, “Voyager” writer-producers had liberated themselves from the limits set by the original series’ creator, the late Gene Roddenberry.

Instead of his “ ‘Wagon Train’ in space,” where clean-cut, consensus-driven military types thrust the Star Fleet colors into alien sands, “Voyager” writer-producers could go anywhere and do anything they pleased. Better still, they were freed of Roddenberry’s dictum that there be no serious interpersonal conflicts among a Trek crew.

It hasn’t turned out that way. Despite profound political differences--a good chunk of the crew are Maquis, rebellious Federation colonists--not a single crew person has even downed tools and said, “You know, shipmate, something about you irritates the hell out of me.”

No, these clever, high-strung rebels are tooling along 70 years from home and hearth with only an occasional insubordination or halfhearted mutinous conspiracy.

This may be because they can’t figure out who’s who. “Voyager” has nine featured players competing for face time. They are cardboard cutouts, not characters. There’s the Swinging Bachelor, the Eager Ensign, the Doughty Veteran and the Aliens: Cuddly, Cute, Sexy and Stern.

The sole original character is the ship’s doctor (Robert Picardo), and he’s a fussy, sarcastic computer program who’s restricted to the sick bay. As the ship’s commanding officer, Kate Mulgrew (the former “Mrs. Columbo”) has the near-impossible task of ramrodding this wacky outfit.

With her burry little voice and Gibson Girl bun (the worst hairdo on the final frontier?), Mulgrew’s performance has been less than sublime. As commanding officer of a vessel about a gazillion miles from a home, she seems unmindful of her dire tactical and logistical plight.

It’s not all Mulgrew’s fault. The inconsistent behaviors foisted on her by the writers would make a contortionist weep. One moment she’s an iron-jawed, by-the-book skipper, the next minute she’s shrugging at mutiny.

She hasn’t got the stuff of command. In one episode, she gave specific orders NOT to do such-and-such. Her executive officer went out and did it.

She reacted with hurt feelings. “Not just because you’re my first officer, but because you’re my friend!” Please, ma’am: Get a grip. The next time it happens, clap them in irons, call a court-martial and scuttle the blighters into space.

Characters aren’t the only weakness of “Voyager.” The plots and stories have a familiar, vaguely shopworn odor to Trekkers familiar with the franchise.

Consider these gems from Voyager’s freshman season:

* A crewman is accused of a murder he didn’t commit. A Vulcan mind-meld saves the day.

* A crewman investigating an alien race’s burial ground is transported through a “subspace vacuole.” The matter transporter saves the day.

* Two emissaries of a plague-stricken race steal a crewman’s lungs. His lungs! The holodeck saves the day.

* Voyager finds a “wormhole”--a shortcut back home--but it’s too tiny for their ship.

* Voyager’s “bioneural” computer elements (vile jelly wet-ware in plastic bags) are dying from a viral infection. Where did it come from? Why, from bad cheese!

Maybe something can save “Voyager,” but so far its creative team hasn’t been able to make a crude copy of their late founder’s vision.

Instead of blazing new trails in TV science fiction, or even venturing down those already in the literature, Voyager is wandering the byways of space like an overloaded freightliner using back roads all the way from Poughkeepsie, N.Y., to Allentown, Pa.