There’s No Rush (Yet), so There’s Little Need to Jazz Up the Games

Salt Lake City, where crime is low unless you count driving under the influence of Snapple, has been awarded the 2002 Winter Olympics.

Congratulations, you Utes, you.

Preparation has begun immediately for the Games, which will open shortly before Utah’s elimination from the first round of the 2002 NBA playoffs.

Singing at the Opening Ceremony will be Mormon convert Michael Jackson and his wives, Lisa Marie Presley-Jackson and Diane Sawyer-Jackson.

A big concern: Avalanche cleanup.

Also taking part will be singers Donny and Marie Osmond in snow-bunny costumes, along with former skating champion Nancy Kerrigan, who will say, “I take it back. Disney World’s the second-most corny thing I’ve done.”

President Limbaugh will give a speech welcoming everyone to the Games.

Followed by increased avalanche concern.

He will be seated in a private box along with Sen. Sax of California and Alabama Gov. Barkley.

Dan Jansen slips, carrying the torch, scorching three guys from Provo.

The first medal, in skiing, goes to an underdog Norwegian after the Italian favorite is found shooting craps with three showgirls in a Vegas casino.

American skater Michelle Kwan wins the women’s figure-skating while wearing Michael Jackson-model shinguards to protect her legs from other American skaters.

The U.S. hockey “Dream Team,” made up entirely of Russians, wins the gold-medal game, 4-3, over, ironically, Russia.

Sears and Wal-Mart declare their entire stock of brooms to be sold out after an astounding fan reaction to the thrill-packed curling action.

Pamela Anderson of Malibu captures the roller-skiing competition in a red thong.

Bonnie Blair, still riding high over endorsement opportunities that since 1992 have earned her upward of $900, visits the Bonnie Blair Ice Oval in downtown Salt Lake City and pronounces it “really neat.”

Oscar-nominated actress Tonya Harding (“Steel Magnolias III,” “The Joy Luck Club II,” “Dumb and Dumber With a Vengeance”) signs autographs outside the arena as part of her community-service work.

She jokes that the city should be renamed “Assault Lake.”

The luge competition is won for the fourth consecutive Olympics by what’s-his-name.

CBS network executives elect not to show replays of a bizarre bobsled accident involving four guys from Finland and David Letterman’s mother.

No charges are filed by CBS announcer Tim McCarver after being doused again with water by athlete Deion Sanders. Work crews, chopping away long into the night with hammers and picks, believe Mr. McCarver can be freed from the block of ice by morning.

British ski jumper Eddie (the Eagle) Edwards repeats his gold-medal triumph of 1998 in Japan and is congratulated by King Charles and the king’s date.

Police quell a riot at a Park City pub after violent complaints from Germans: “Beer? You call this brown water beer?”

Concerned citizens protest Jerry Springer’s TV talk show on ice-dancers who like to swap costumes.

This week on Geraldo: “Which Lake Is Bigger? Salt or Ricki?”

International Olympic Committee members reject a proposal to make cross-country skiing more exciting for television by turning wild animals loose on the competitors.

Dennis Conner’s last-minute request to replace his bobsled with a snowmobile is, however, granted.

The closing ceremony is marred when the torch catches Michael Jackson’s hair.

Salt Lake City police thank Los Angeles for a shipment of wool caps and gloves left over from 20th-Century crimes.