LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news . . . Comic Jenny Church, on 11% of lawyers polled in North Carolina in 1991 saying that they considered suicide at least once a month: “Not to worry. As soon as they heard the ambulance coming for them, they’d be up and running again.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on bombing suspect Timothy McVeigh’s lawyer trying to improve his client’s image: “He released a photo of McVeigh standing next to a used-car salesman.”

Jay Dubb, on the early Tuesday arrest in Hollywood of actor Hugh Grant on suspicion of engaging in a lewd act with a prostitute: “His next starring role will be in ‘Four Misdemeanors and a Felony.’ ”

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on the Raiders’ pending move to Oakland: “The Rams already have gone to St. Louis. At this rate, the only contact sport left in L.A. will be resisting arrest.”

Church, on Bally’s Total Fitness claiming that America is 2 billion pounds overweight: “Just look at how the Midwest hangs over the Bible Belt.”

Cutler, on the National Rifle Assn.’s almost $70 million in losses: “The group has asked Charlton Heston to see if he can part the red ink.”

Paul Feldman, on the assassination attempt on Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak: “The media never change their habits. Mubarak’s shot at and once again, their first reaction is to focus suspicion on Muslim extremists.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Time Warner executive who is suing for $50 million after he was fired in the wake of Bob Dole’s criticism of rap lyrics: “The Time Warner board members’ reaction is on tape. They swore so much, the company thinks it may have a hit song on its hands.”

Jay Leno, on Mississippi Sen. Trent Lott saying Republicans use the right side of their brains, while Democrats use the left: “That confirms what we’ve said all along: No matter what side they’re on, politicians are working with just half a brain.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Gov. Pete Wilson’s national name recognition: “A recent poll found that 17% have heard his name at least once, 62% never heard of him and 21% think he is Dennis the Menace’s next-door neighbor.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Prosecution witness Bruce Weir admitted Monday that his latest DNA odds had come from Jimmy the Greek.” (Nick Danny)

* “DNA has a specific meaning in the scientific world. But in a courtroom, DNA means: Dull, Numbing, Arcane.” (Fred Stemrich)

* “How many laid-off county employees does it take to pay for the O.J. trial?” (Les Franck)

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Years ago, Riverside reader Anita Kramer’s nieces Mary, 2, and Katie, 3, recited Catholic prayers each evening with their mother. One evening, Katie announced her frustration and pleaded:

“Why do we always have to say the ‘Hail Mary’? Why can’t we say the ‘Hail Katie’?”