Sequestered students?Accalculus class offered at UCLA is...

Sequestered students?

Accalculus class offered at UCLA is described in the catalogue as “stochastic integration, stochastic differential equations, Ito formula and its applications.” We hope there are plenty of student alternates.

SOUNDS LIKE A KEPT MAN: “There’s no such thing as used cars anymore--they’re known as pre-owned cars now,” points out Greg Nelson, an aide to City Councilman Joel Wachs. Apparently, some people are having trouble getting a handle on the new terminology. Nelson drove by a car dealership along the Santa Ana Freeway and noticed a sign hailing an employee as:

PRE-OWNED MAN OF THE MONTH.

SO THAT’S WHY THERE WAS NO POPEMOBILE: The Seal Beach Sun reports that parishioners at St. Anne’s Catholic Church were startled when Pope John Paul II appeared to enter the church during ceremonies honoring Sister Samuel Marie Settar on the 25th anniversary of her vows. It turned out it was a Pope impersonator, Gene Greytak, a member of the St. Anne’s Choir.

WE WON’T TAKE THIS TYPE OF MISTAKE LYING DOWN: Dorothy Miller of Long Beach sent along an ad she saw for a “prostrate” screening.

HUSBANDS: You’ll recall the revelation that Gov. Pete Wilson once employed an illegal immigrant as a housekeeper--and that his office released a statement from his ex-wife, who took responsibility for the hiring?

Well, Wilson isn’t the first California governor to be attacked for hiring foreign labor, points out Ralph Shaffer, history professor emeritus of Cal Poly Pomona.

Shaffer found that in the election year of 1882 there were charges that Civil War veteran George Stoneman, a Democratic gubernatorial hopeful, had employed illegal aliens--Chinese immigrants, in this case--to work at his home.

Stoneman denied it, despite apparent evidence to the contrary. The Times editorialized: “Some of our friends say that to make good the assertion of the General . . . it must be understood that his amiable and accomplished lady employs the force necessary to run the family mansion.”

Stoneman, by the way, was elected governor.

DON’T LOOK FOR THE CONNECTION IN THE COMPANY’S ADS: After watching a hairstylist testify about O.J. Simpson’s alleged dandruff problem, Patrick McKean of Long Beach noticed that the TV station broke to a commercial for Head and Shoulders.

HEY, HE’S NOT A MAGICIAN: Kate Mayer of Woodland Hills found an electrician who’s a problem solver (see photo)--though he admits he has his limitations.

CLOWNS: We received a fax from Larry Harmon, the man who used his USC education to become Bozo the Clown. He reminded us that July 31 is the start of National Clown Week.

It’s reassuring to know that the industry wasn’t damaged by a comment that President George Bush made during the 1992 election campaign. Referring to Bill Clinton and Al Gore, Bush declared: “My dog Millie knows more about politics than those two bozos.”

Perhaps it’s time for Millie to launch a political comeback. She’s been prostrate long enough.

miscelLAny Heidi Fleiss isn’t the only alum of L.A.’s Marshall High who figures to receive publicity this year. Actress Julie Newmar (TV’s Catwoman) has a bit part in a movie about three drag queens who nab her autographed photo from a Chinese restaurant and haul it across the country. The title: “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.” Newmar plays Newmar.