LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the heat wave: “The National Weather Service says the hot air came from Mexico. Pat Buchanan is furious. He says that if he’s elected, he’ll not only seal the border, he’ll weatherstrip it.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Disney’s plan to acquire ABC: “Industry insiders suspected a deal was in the works when Pocahontas was recently added to the cast of ‘Ellen.’ ”

* Adds comedy writer Mark Miller: “ ‘NYPD Blue’ will now feature titillating shots of Goofy’s rear-end.”

* Adds Paul Feldman: “David Letterman has always insisted that CBS was the Mickey Mouse network.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the man who performed 2,800 operations in Spain without a doctor’s license: “Patients knew he lacked the professionalism of a physician. He wasn’t the least bit condescending.”

Comic Jenny Church, on the escaped convict who was found inside the ceiling of the Santa Monica courthouse: “The guy was missing the shirt off his back. Obviously, his lawyer had gotten to him first.”

Blake Clark, on the super union merger of the United Auto Workers, United Steel Workers and the Machinists and Aerospace Workers: “Great. The people who make the space shuttle will now be teamed with the people who made the Pinto.”

* Adds Ray: “Management will mark the occasion with the ceremonial cutting of the wages.”

Cutler, on Mike Schmidt using his baseball Hall of Fame induction to lobby for the inclusion of Pete Rose: “Pete bet Mike $50 that he wouldn’t have the guts to do it.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the new study claiming that moderate amounts of alcohol can help a person think: “Yeah. You think the woman sitting at the bar is not only beautiful, but that she’s also interested in you.”

Ryan, on Divine Brown turning down an offer to star in a porno movie: “She decided it was too sleazy when she heard that Phil Gramm was involved.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on “Waterworld’s” $21.6-million opening weekend: “That should be just about enough to cover the catering.”

* Adds comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “The most depressing thing about watching Kevin Costner in the film is that even in the distant future, they still don’t have a cure for baldness.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “The ‘Mezzaluna Cookbook’ will be published in November. All recipes end with the same instruction: Season to bad taste .” (Church)

* “Everyone suspected that the heat wave was getting to the Dream Team when Johnnie Cochran called Fritz Coleman to the stand.” (Bob Mills)

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Cindy Yorks of Tustin was in line at a checkout stand when she overheard a clerk tell the man behind her, “I can help you over here.” As the customer moved to a new register, he told the clerk:

“Oh, yeah? Well, what if I’m beyond help?”