The Do’s and Don’ts of Courtesy : City Smart / How to thrive in the urban environment of Southern California

Many people don’t feel quite comfortable when they encounter someone in a wheelchair. What’s courteous and what’s intrusive? Here is some advice gathered from a variety of wheelchair users.

* Respect a person’s independence. Don’t assume that just because people are in wheelchairs that they’re helpless, deaf or mentally disabled. If you’re a waiter, don’t ask the wheelchair user’s dinner partner, “What would she like?”

* Don’t be afraid to hold doors open. Able-bodied people hold doors open for each other all the time. Most wheelchair users appreciate the favor, as long as it is done out of courtesy and not out of sympathy.

* When in doubt, wait to be asked for help. “We will ask for help if we need something,” says Bonnie Brody, a City Hall political aide. But if someone is obviously struggling, for example with a load of packages, “be available,” she says.

* Don’t push or touch someone’s wheelchair unless they ask you to. It can be disconcerting to feel a sudden shove from behind.

* Treat a person in a wheelchair as you would anyone else. Say hello. Don’t see them just as their disability. And if you wouldn’t ask a stranger personal questions, don’t ask them of a wheelchair user you don’t know well. Brody says that strangers feel free to ask her questions like, “How do you have sex?” But if your child wants to ask questions of someone in a wheelchair, let them. “Let your kids come up and talk to us. The best thing for kids is to become familiar with us,” says Jane Small, chairwoman of the Los Angeles County Commission on Disabilities and a wheelchair user.

* Don’t park in a handicapped space, even for a minute. For someone using a wheelchair, the lack of an extra-wide space can mean waiting for hours or driving long distances to another store.