LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Watson, come here . . . On the labor dispute between Pacific Bell and its union:

* “One sticking point was management’s insistence that operators wear rubber gloves when monitoring all calls to ‘900’ numbers.” (Bob Mills)

* “Management knew from the start that talks would be unpleasant. The union was led by a team of directory assistance operators.” (Alan Ray)

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Whitewater rafting: “Webster Hubbell checked into federal prison Monday. By the time these Whitewater hearings are over, the President may have a lot of prison pay phones on his MCI Friends and Family.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “During the hearings, Republican Toby Roth said the Clintons were part of the ‘Arkansas Mafia.’ Isn’t that the Mafia branch that makes you an offer it can’t spell?” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “When the investigation ends, congressional Republicans will celebrate by climbing Mt. Molehill.” (Stan Kaplan)

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Also in the news: Jay Leno, on how the underage campaign worker who said she had sex with Congressman Mel Reynolds told her parents about her new boyfriend: “I don’t know if you know him, but I think you voted for him.”

Hamilton, on Air Force pilot Scott O’Grady getting an agent and a book deal: “So what if he can survive for days on bugs and rainwater. Let’s see if he cracks when his agent doesn’t return his calls for a week.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on this week’s international conference on Elvis at the University of Mississippi, billed as the first serious academic gathering on the King: “Already, three Elvis impersonators have been accused of academic fraud.”

Mills, on a study of the vermin population since the Northridge quake: “It found a slight increase, but attributed it to record rains as much as the temblor. It said another factor was a slightly higher than average passing rate on this year’s State Bar exam.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on the Hollywood hooker caught with Hugh Grant, who is now starring in a Brazilian TV lingerie commercial: “The company rejected the ad agency’s first slogan: ‘Divine Brown doesn’t take a back seat to anybody.’ ”

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Cirque du O.J.: “A court ruled that Laura Hart McKinney has to testify and turn over tapes she made with Mark Fuhrman: This would be the first time a screenwriter had to be dragged to L.A.” (Cutler)

* “With the trial dragging on, all the buzz has been about the ‘N-word’: No-Doze.” (Pearlstein)

* “Just wondering: Do race cards come with bubble gum?” (Cutler)

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While Temecula reader Nancy Lee Salvo’s husband was watching the Simpson trial, visiting grandchildren Robert, 10, and Angelica, 8, were talking with her in the kitchen. She told them that when they became adults, they’d still remember this trial.

“Why,” asked Angelica, “will it still be on?”