LAUGH LINES : Punchlines
In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Good Housekeeping magazine inadvertently leaving President Clinton off the ballot for Most Admired Man: “And the Clintons are such good housekeepers. Nobody ever cleaned house better than they did the night Vince Foster died.”
Jay Leno, on the Clintons’ vacation in Wyoming: “This is just a small vacation, of course, before the bigger, more permanent one next year.”
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Tuesday’s crowning of Miss Teen USA: “She received the usual rewards--bouquet of roses, college scholarship and a phone call from Congressman Mel Reynolds.”
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on rumors Shannon Faulkner will resign soon from the Citadel: “She will apologize and accept full blame, explaining that she thought the Citadel was an outlet shopping mall.”
Cutler Daily Scoop, on the federal government settling a lawsuit by paying white supremacist Randy Weaver $3.1 million: “Guess who’s getting a call from the Mark Fuhrman Defense Fund?”
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Cirque du O.J.: “Judge Ito displayed courage, honor and love in the courtroom. No wonder all the lawyers looked so confused.” (Alex Pearlstein)
* “So I guess we can cross Mark Fuhrman off the guest list for the Itos’ anniversary party.” (Cutler)
* “On Jay Leno’s ‘Tonight Show,’ the Dancing Itos are working quickly to learn a new step: Down .” (Jenny Church)
* “Ito should take a break. Go fishing. That’s something the defense can teach him all about.” (Cutler)
* “The most shocking thing about the Fuhrman tapes: 18 minutes are him talking to Richard Nixon.” (Jerry Perisho)
* “The Fuhrman hate tapes have caused such a sensation that Time Warner will set them to music.” (Stan Kaplan)
* “Chief Willie L. Williams was so upset by what Fuhrman reportedly said on the tapes that he dropped a roll of quarters at the slot machine he was playing in Las Vegas.” (Tony Peyser)
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Among David Letterman’s Top 10 dating tips for the recently widowed Anna Nicole Smith:
* Forget personal ads--try the intensive care unit.
* Make sure the valet parkers understand: If he dies in the restaurant, you get the car.
* Remind him, “Hey, when you’re 160, I’ll be 101.”
* Prepare candlelit dinner. If he can blow out candle, you don’t want him.
* Good pick-up line: “Can I pre-chew that for you?”
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Malibu reader Chuck Green says that during a recent children’s sermon at Malibu Methodist Church, the minister asked a small group of children seated around him to identify the flowers in a bouquet he was holding. Quickly, one pointed out a rose, another a carnation. Then one 5-year-old said:
“Some are generic.”