LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Here Comes the Bride . . . On actor Charlie Sheen’s marriage to model Donna Peele:

* “The groom ordered tarts for the reception. And they had dessert too.” (Alan Ray)

* “Before he cut the cake, Charlie had to be reassured that nobody was inside.” (David Gee)

* “They are honeymooning at the Mustang Ranch.” (Jay Leno)

* “Could be a rough honeymoon for Donna. He can’t perform unless she goes down to the lobby every time and waits for him to call.” (Bob Mills)

* “Charlie, overheard from outside the bridal suite: Free? How long has this been going on? “ (Mills)

* “Now she’s part of the family, she’ll have to choose: Sheen or Estevez?” (David Jerome)

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In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on President Clinton’s campaign appearance in California: “It’s about his 20th visit since his election. Or, just two less than Gov. Pete.”

Ray, on Hillary’s message to the women’s conference: “She said ‘no more timidity, no more submissiveness, no more second-class status in the world. From now on, Bill’s gonna be more aggressive.’ ”

Leno, on Gen. Colin Powell: “Political analysts say the reason he would be a very popular presidential candidate is that no one knows exactly where he stands on the issues. Don’t we already have a President like that?”

Ray, on Cal Ripken Jr.’s record for consecutive baseball games: “There’s only one word for an athlete this dedicated to his profession: freak .”

Cutler, on Oprah Winfrey debuting a new theme song Tuesday for her show, written by Paul Simon: “It’s titled, ‘Still Crazies After All These Years.’ ”

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Cirque du O.J.: “While Mark Fuhrman hated interracial couples, new tapes reveal that he loves the Stevie Wonder-Paul McCartney song, ‘Ebony and Ivory.’ ” (Tony Peyser)

* “Defense lawyers were so excited about getting the jury to hear the Fuhrman tapes that they celebrated by circling, then eating a school of mackerel.” (Brad Halpern)

* “The defense wants Fuhrman prosecuted for perjury. Is that a good idea? You start arresting people for lying in court and the Dream Team is pretty much looking at the death penalty.” (Leno)

* “Chief Willie L. Williams is calling for a ‘biopsy’ of Fuhrman’s police career. It should be pretty obvious by now that he is malignant.” (Joe Kevany)

* “Let’s hope when Williams performs the biopsy, he keeps track of both gloves.” (Michael C. Westlund)

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Reader Donna Lineberry, was walking with her fiance and a neighbor through an expensive section of Santa Monica. The neighbor said that a friend had recently sold a house they had just passed. She said the woman couldn’t afford the upkeep and had moved back with her family in Bel Air, where her father was charging her very low rent.

“That’s what I’d like,” interjected Lineberry’s fiance. “A lease, with an option to inherit.”